


Autumn Leaves

by Kyunesphere



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship/Love, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24227185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyunesphere/pseuds/Kyunesphere
Summary: "When his chest pains refuse to stop bothering and disappear after three days thinking everything is gonna be okay, after his last exam is over, Changkyun drowns two more painkillers into his mouth and sleeps through his first class, hoping that all he needs is some well-deserved rest and a break from Professor Ahn’s never ending ramblings about mixing before he is back to his normal self.It doesn’t go away. It never does, and slowly, eventually, inevitably it becomes a part of Changkyun’s existence, a dull ache in his chest that feels just a little too real sticks with him for the rest of his time.And with that Changkyun starts to bloom for Kihyun."
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 74
Kudos: 545





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! I love Hanahaki AU so I wanted to try this I hope you will like the story.  
> I'm planning to tell this story slowly, I don't wanna rush things sowe will see how it's gonna turn out.  
> Sorry for the grammar errors I'll check them later if I missed any.
> 
> Kudos comments and ideas are very welcomed.  
> Have fun^^

_“Hanahaki, a disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear, sometimes if the love is strong enough, the operation can cause victim to forget about the beloved.”_

It was an ordinary day when the seeds rooted themselves deep within Changkyun’s lungs, a normal day that seemed to be the exact the same of any other day. Maybe that was the reason for it to be not so ordinary because everything was exactly the way it should be.

Changkyun’s sitting on the grass in the campus ground, his laptop brightly lit in front of him and three abnormally large textbooks that he carries everywhere are laying open uselessly around him, streaks of highlights across their pages seems like a rainbow, almost every line and every page is colored. The rest of the gang is within close proximity; Hyungwon vibrates nervously next to him, chewing through the second pen cap of the afternoon, muttering silent curses to himself as he scans his own textbook over and over again; Minhyuk next to him, leans forward hovering above his book, humming a foreign song to himself without noticing, Jooheon slouches under the tree across from Changkyun, barely peeking up above his phone because he keeps his slides and notes in his phone preferring to study through the small screen; and Hoseok and Hyunwoo study quietly not too far away, laid on their tummies, napping when they think no one is looking.

It was Minhyuk’s idea, going outside and staying on the campus instead of stuffing themselves in the dark library with crowded tables or small, cold dorm rooms. All of them are exhausted, it’s written on their faces and shows in their behaviors but knowing that after this hardship, they are gonna reach a time which they can have a good rest, at least thinking they will be awarding themselves in someway, they keep going. So the open fresh air, the oxygen, was meant to influence them to focus on their last study for final exam of the week, help them get through and reach the end of this hellish week but the afternoon sun is warm and lulling, and on top of that like their luck is testing them, the air is heavier for an autumn day. It’s one of the last warm days gifted by the past hot summer, one that doesn’t help students who know that the sleepless days they spent to study for high grades, take their talls on their bodies. Despite the liveliness of the soft blue sky and pretty yellow-orange leaves slowly fall from beautiful trees around them, sleep-deprived madness and tiredness show their familiar faces on each one of them. Changkyun yawns like a kitten, stretching his arms up, hearing a few cracks from his joints, he drops his hands on his lap. He looks around him, scanning his friends, he can feel his eyelids weighing down under the desperate need for a nap as he yawns again.

“I feel like dying.” Minhyuk announces as he rubs his eyes with his fists. “I see notes flying around. Let’s listen a song to relax for a moment.” He pouts cutely and ruffles his white hair as a sign to stop studying, after he drops the textbook in his hand on the other one next to him when the gang agrees.

“I know the perfect song.” A sweet voice replies. It is soft and like a whisper, but it’s a voice that Changkyun can always hear, no matter the circumstances.

And Eric Clapton starts to sing in a melancholic tone a few heartbeats later, a voice that gives shivers to Changkyun and breaks his heart at the same time, hurting him slowly and deeply in an unexpected way.

_“The falling leaves, drift by my window… The autumn leaves, of red and gold…”_

Hyunwoo and Hoseok drop their heads on their crossed arms, relieving, closing their eyes.

“I feel even more sleepy now.” Hyungwon groans, lying flat on his back and put his head on Changkyun’s lap. He mutters to Changkyun softly before he closes his eyes. “Wake me up in fifteen minutes.”

Changkyun nods with a soft smile as he cards his hyung’s cherry blossom hair slowly. It’s very soft despite the all that bleaching and dying he does. ‘ _Pretty_ ’ Changkyun thinks but as the sweet word rings in his brain, Changkyun’s eyes shift to his left unconsciously, glances to a few meters ahead.

He’s sitting next to Jooheon, a leg folded under him and the other one is stretched, loosely holding a book with hardcover in his right hand, one that Changkyun can’t read the title, and holding his phone in the other. His leather jacket is discarded near his stretched leg, leaving him only in his typically bland black tee. The sun is angled just right to cast an angelic illumination across his cheekbones, his sharp cute nose complemented by his small cherry lips, his messy brown hair that looks lighter when they are kissed by the sunlight, the volume of his stupidly-defined chest muscles even though he is not that bulky – and on top of it all, Changkyun sees the edge of a lingering smile as he hums silently, a soft one, the kind he knows Kihyun only shows when he is in a good mood. He looks upwards, watching the once green leaves hanging loosely on the branches. Changkyun can’t see his eyes but wonders if they sparkle like the way they always do when they listen this song.

Changkyun finds himself wondering what it would be like, how it would feel for those brown eyes to look at him with adoration, lips carrying the same soft expression they are carrying now. He wonders if there was any possibility under the sun that maybe, someday, he can do something to give Kihyun the happiness he must undoubtedly feel in this moment. It’s a warm feeling, a desire to be a source of happiness for Kihyun invades his being.

Something blooms within Changkyun’s chest then, and it feels a little too tight, too physical, so Changkyun wonders if he’s leaning above his textbooks too much for too long, constricting his chest more than it should. He shifts a little, trying not to disturb Hyungwon as much as he can. He leans back to the hard surface of the peach tree behind him, takes a moment to adjust, and when that tight feeling refuses to leave stubbornly, he sighs, grabbing his half empty starbucks cup and sips a little from the bitter coffee with the aim to swallow that disturbing feeling. It doesn’t help though. Changkyun drops his textbook in his hand and pulling another one next to him before he leans back more and closes his eyes, letting the song embroider into his soul. Somewhere in his mind he also notes to himself to have a very long sleep after the exams because clearly he needs a good rest.

When, a half hour later, Kihyun gets up with a groan and walks over to drop vitamin on Changkyun’s lap, with a wink, the first blossom appears.

Silently.

\\*******/

Folklores told by the old cranes, implies that the fairies of the old world were responsible for the Hanahaki Disease; for many people fell for them inevitably, deceived and tricked by their ethereal beauty, all had shining hair like it’s made from the moonlight, skin glowing like a gold under the sunlight, round eyes as clear as the fresh river water and feather touches that felt like silk was brushing to your skin. Anyone would fall for them, a look was enough for a person to be pulled in a deep pit of affection.

Loving a fairy was beautiful.

Loving a fairy was extraordinary.

Loving a fairy was impossible.

Loving a fairy hurt because loving a fairy was _deadly_. Human bodies were weak and the love they feel in their fluttering chest was too heavy to bear and too damaging for those fragile creatures.

Some of the people are lucky because some of them get loved in return miracles, living their fairytale happy ending as they wish but those who can’t find a positive response to their feelings; seal their hearts with unspoken confessions; close their eyes with unshed tears as they allow their body to be taken over by a love that can torch their soul like an uncontrolled fire. The feelings hide under the skin, waiting hungrily, waiting impatiently until the love becomes too much to bear and seeks a way to get out before they burn alive.

Trapped in rib cages with nowhere to go, that love plants itself in the lungs around the heart slowly, choosing to stay stubbornly, choosing to own and consume their own bodies as a punishment, a damnation for falling for those that will never love them back.

Of course, Yoo Kihyun, self-proclaimed modern version of the ethereal fairytale creature, knows absolutely none of this. He is oblivious as he goes on with his daily life, studying hard for his exams, radiating all the colors with his smile vividly.

When his chest pains refuse to stop bothering and disappear after three days thinking everything is gonna be okay, after his last exam is over, Changkyun drowns two more painkillers into his mouth and sleeps through his first class, hoping that all he needs is some well-deserved rest and a break from Professor Ahn’s never ending ramblings about mixing before he is back to his normal self.

It doesn’t go away. It never does, and slowly, eventually, inevitably it becomes a part of Changkyun’s existence, a dull ache in his chest that feels just a little too real sticks with him for the rest of his time.

And with that Changkyun starts to bloom for Kihyun.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos  
> Please have fun^^

“Who was I again?” Hoseok asks, turning the page in his hand with a confused expression. He is looking at the same side of the paper for fifteen minutes and still he can't figure out his part. His mind must be at somewhere else Changkyun thinks and bites back a smile before he points his hyung's line for the third time, “You are _The Nurse_ hyung.” He says and Hoseok nods, muttering a thanks and “I should memorize these lines or else Minhyuk will whoop my ass.” he adds with a slightly scared but determined voice, turning to read the lines probably for the fourth time.

“Don’t you think you are exaggerating hyung?” Jooheon asks, turning them with a big hat on his head. Two feather sticked to the cotton hat waves when puts his hands on his waist. “It’s just a simple play read.”

Minhyuk skips next to him, pinching the younger’s cheek "You say that?“ and points the head on his head. “Who is the one wearing a hat for a simple play read?”

“But hyung—“ Jooheon starts, counting his reasons for the small dress up.

Kihyun who leans to the table at the corner, giggles at them after stealing a glance, shaking his head slowly as he returns to the pages he was reading with a very serious face. He wears a light blue sweater on a dark color jeans, ends tucked in his black boots. His brown hair falls on his eyes, he moves them without noticing a few times as his eyes brush over the paper in his hand over and over again, reading each line carefully, mouthing the words to himself silently with his pretty pink lips. Lines form on his face when he reads a sentence that he can’t memorize and Changkyun feels the urge to press his index finger to those lines, wondering if he can smoothen them, wondering if his fingers can also trail from his soft looking skin to his nape. Of course he doesn’t do any of this though. Instead he busies his mind with the paper in his hand, turns his attention to memorize his own lines, not completely memorize to be honest because one, this is not something serious but two, being a hopeless romantic Changkyun already knows every single line his character has.

He casts down his eyes when he feels that already familiar itch in his throat. He clears his throat, disturbed and divert his attention by thinking that he never stood at this part of the stage before. The hard wooden floor is wide, wide enough for maybe fifty people to stand on it. The lights above looks like they are dangling but Changkyun knows they are not, they shine on many performers, actors, singers and help them and the people who watch them to have a moment to remember. Changkyun wonders how many people stood on this stage, how many of them cheered by the crowd, how many tears they shed and how many laughs they had. He wonders. He wonders how it feels to be on this side because Changkyun never stepped on here. He never felt the urge or need that he should stand under the warm spotlight because he thought he wouldn't shine.

But Kihyun does shine though, without spotlights and without sunlight.

Kihyun looks like he belongs here, on the stage with all his presence and vibe. He makes Changkyun feel very aware of his being even though they are across each other and far away. His every little gesture, every small detail catches Changkyun's attention. Changkyun feels starstruck everytime he watches the elder perform, the way his fingers dance on the piano effortlesly, looking like swans flooting above the water, beautiful and breathe taking. It is true indeed, he does belong to the stage. It's always a pleasure to watch him, always.

A cough climbs to his throat for a moment, it happens a lot lately, and tear apart his thoughts.

“Thank you guys for helping me!” Minhyuk chirps in, hands clasped in front of him, eyes throwing hearts to each one of them. His white hair bounce around his face as he walks jumping around happily and Changkyun cracks a smile, feeling fond.

“Of course hyung.” He replies with a bigger smile when Minhyuk turns to coo at him because it was Changkyun’s idea. All of this.

The reason why Kihyun, Changkyun, Jooheon and Hoseok stand at the middle of the school theatre at a Sunday, is to help their friend Minhyuk for the upcoming auditions for school play that will come to life at spring. It’s an important entry for his future resume because it will be performed in front of not only the students and professors but to the mayor and all the other bureaucrats in the town also. None of them had any idea about this musical theathre until a too desperate, too nervous Minhyuk flopped himself on the bed- Jooheon’s bed- in Jooheon and Changkyun’s dorm room a few nights ago. Gang was all there because they made plans to watch Spiderman 2 together, the new one, the one Tom Holland plays not Andrew Garfield and not Tobey McGuire. They’ve already seen those like a thousand times. Hoseok bought the beers and coke, Hyunwoo set up the audio system, Kihyun and Hyungwon carried two pear seats from their room and Changkyun and Jooheon brought the snacks and they were waiting until Minhyuk presented himself with a very worried expression to explain the cause of his agony.

Being a soft hearted friend, Changkyun offered his help and the others barged in too, telling that they wanna help in anyway they can.

But Changkyun had no idea that they would rehearse Romeo and Juliet, with Kihyun being the _Romeo_ and Changkyun being the _Juliet_ when he offered a hand.

“Why don’t you play the Romeo or Juliet, hyung?” Changkyun asked with a painful look on his face when Minhyuk distributed the roles to them and Minhyuk shrugged and replied, “I keep playing those two and I’m so sick of them, I’m gonna be the villain this time. That’s more fun.”

Changkyun couldn't resist and reject because he was the one who offered to help, so that's how Changkyun became Juliet.

“So let’s start if you guys ready. We need to meet with Hyungwon and Hyunwoo hyung for dinner in thirty minutes.” Minhyuk says, clapping his hand in enthusiasm.

“I’m good. Let’s do it.” Kihyun replies, getting up from the table and puts the paper on it. He takes a few step towards Changkyun with a confident aura around him. He opens his arms mischievously. “Come to my warm embrace oh dear Juliet.”

“As if you can handle me.” Changkyun stares at him, seemingly unamused, but Kihyun notices the coy smile that surfaces on the corners of his mouth and Changkyun feels his heart thump, hard. 

“Oh my Juliet, I will take care of you well don’t worry.” Kihyun stands next to him in a second, beaming, and there is a pattering in Changkyun’s chest, that annoying one that he always happens to notice every time Kihyun smiles. He swallows, trying to push the urge to cough down to the bottom of his stomach.

“Let’s begin!” Minhyuk says and gestures his hands to them.

“There is a balcony scene but we don’t have balcony.” Jooheon points out, the feathers jump as he turns his head around.

“We can do that scene later, it’s okay.” Minhyuk shrugs and turns to Kihyun. “Go with the second part.”

“Okay.” Kihyun nods. He bows his head, letting out a breath and looks down for a moment. His hair falls a little to the front too, it’s longer now, Changkyun thinks before he lifts his gaze to look back up to Changkyun, his face is completely different from before, bearing a more delicate and soft expression, his eyes are heavy with emotions, emotions that Changkyun is very surprised to see, emotions that Changkyun didn’t expect to see. Kihyun takes a step towards Changkyun and Changkyun’s heart skips a beat.

“ _If I profane with my unworthiest hand_

_This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:_

_My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand_

_To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss._ ”

Kihyun reaches for Changkyun’s right hand with both hands, softly holding it and brushing his thumbs at the back. Changkyun feels his heart pumps blood more than a moment ago, he can feel it hum around his ears and wonders if Kihyun can feel it above his skin too, wondering what would happen if he could feel. Changkyun can’t decyphire if he can, because Kihyun looks at him with lights in his eyes, hypnotizing like the small fireflies dancing in the night and for a moment Changkyun forgets that they are playing a play. He blinks a few times, casting his eyes down and checking the paper in his hand, to remember that this is just an act, before he replies.

“ _Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,_

_Which mannerly devotion shows in this;_

_For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,_

_And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss._ ”

Kihyun cracks a smile, a coy and sweet one at the same time, he tilts his head. “ _Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?_ ”

Changkyun slowly nods “ _Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer._ ” before the itch in the back of his throat becomes too much and a cough forces itself out.

Kihyun nods too, looking at him with desperate eyes,

“ _O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;_

 _They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair._ ” And he takes a step towards Changkyun who flinches and takes a step back involuntarily.

“ _Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake._ ” He says, line comes out of his mouth in a rush.

Kihyun shrugs, holding Changkyun still by holding his hand firmly. “ _Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged._ ” He pulls Changkyun towards himself and out of the blue, he presses his lips on Changkyun’s blazing cheek.

Changkyun stands there, unable to move, he feels his chest gets tight and tight each passing second, feeling his heart too big for his chest. Somehow he manages to get out somewhere past the echoing confusion in his head, confusion caused by the momentarily slip out of reality due to this small gesture. Normally Changkyun likes to cling his friends but he knows his boundaries with Kihyun, somehow he feels like he should know because Kihyun is not a very touchy person. That's why the kiss catches Changkyun off guard even though he knew it was in the script, he didn’t guess Kihyun would fully play his part like this. Changkyun feels a little hurt inside somewhere around his heart and forces out the next lines, “ _Then have my lips the sin that they have took_.” And swallows very hard knowing what comes next.

Kihyun cocks an eyebrow, faking a surprised and guilty expression.

“ _Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again._ ” He says and leans towards Changkyun again, kissing the same spot, again.

There’s a pause of silence before Changkyun mutters silently, “ _You kiss by the book_.” And he let’s out a breathe, feeling himself shake a little when Kihyun breaks their intense gaze when Hoseok steps in with a high pitched voice “Madam, your mother craves a word with you.”

“Stop stop!” Minhyuk interferes then, shaking his hands hastily.

“Did I miss a line?” Kihyun says, letting go Changkyun’s hand to look at his friend.

It feels cold.

“Nope, Hyunwoo and Hyungwon came with the dinner!” Minhyuk says happily, showing his phone’s screen.

“Hyung you were moping yesterday about the audition. You were so serious about the rehearsal, you made us memorize the lines. Now you wanna go out to eat?” Jooheon asks, shoulders hanging low, feathers on his hat hanging low too.

“I’m hungry Joohoney. I can’t act when I’m hungry. I can’t remember my lines.” Minhyuk shrugs, grabbing his bag from the ground. “We’ll continue later.”

“Meal is important.” Hoseok nods, grabbing his bag hurrily, very eager to meet with the other two.

“But I didn’t even get to say a line!” Jooheon pouts, taking his jacket with a frown.

They grab their belongings from around but Changkyun falls behind, feels a little disoriented, his chest hurts a lot more than it should with a stinging pain when he kneels to tie his shoelaces again.

“Hey are you okay?” Kihyun asks. “Your face is all red. You look like a tomato.” He teases.

Changkyun rolls his eyes at the older, scoffs as he tries to make a ribbon. “Thanks.” He replies with a sarcastic voice, coughing a few times. Damn these shoelaces, Changkyun hates them.

Kihyun leans down with a sweet giggle, softly brushing Changkyun’s hands away and ties his shoelaces.

“Thank you,” Changkyun humms, and he jumps back in before Kihyun’s face becomes too crestfallen, before it hurts just a little too much in the cavity of his chest.

“A sweet one though.” Kihyun mutters with a shrug before he gets up, not realizing Changkyun turns his head away and ducks into himself because something twists within his chest, edging up the inner curve of his throat, a kind of itching pain that seems to appear whenever Kihyun say things like this.

“Your acting is worse than your bowling skills Kihyun.” Minhyuk comments from the edge of the stage and Kihyun sticks a tongue at him, playfully.

“If I wouldn’t be majoring at piano I would enter the auditions just to beat your ass and see you cry.” Kihyun says, walking towards his friend.

Changkyun gets up, hanging the straps of his bag to his back. He takes a step but stops, his throat feels like it’s stuffed.

“I’ll just stop by the bathroom. I’ll catch up.” Changkyun calls out to his friends, trying to prevent himself from coughing and hurrily walks to the closest toilet which happens to be two floors above when they nod, saying they will wait him at the yard.

When Changkyun enters the toilet, he grabs the sink barely to ground himself as he allows himself to cough hard into his fist, a lone, blue pedal appears in his palm.

Changkyun looks at it, feeling his throat a little at ease, realizes that it matches the color of Kihyun’s sweater perfectly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~~  
> I hope you will like this chapter
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos!!

After Changkyun shakes the shock of coughing flower petal, because who does that? and get through the dinner with his friends in panic, the first thing he does after he is back into his dorm room after coming up with a stupid alibi to leave early, is of course googleing about what is going on, like any normal would person do. The internet is surprisingly receptive when Changkyun types ‘why the fuck did I just cough up a flower petal, what the hell?!?!?”. From various forums that- their legitimacy is questionable, Changkyun manages to learn five things:

  1. He most likely has Hanahaki Disease, an incredibly rare disease that has no known scientific origin or explanation.
  2. The reason for this disease to sprout is unrequited love, where flowers began to bloom in the infected’s lungs and continue to spread until the infected dies.
  3. If detected before blossoming, it is possible to take pills to stall the disease’s process.
  4. Pills may effect on early bases but there are only two known final cures; for the infected’s love to be returned, or by surgical removal of the flowers, causing the infected’s memory of the person they loved to be destroyed forever.
  5. There isn’t any hanahaki deaths recorded in Korea for the past seven years.



Changkyun leans back, eyes stuck on the writings with a blank gaze. Despite his expressionless face, his chest burns with anxiety and the gears in his mind turns and turns, and eventually they bring back an old memory, one Changkyun thought he forgot.

Changkyun remembers that once he walked in on a classmate at bathroom, during his first semester at high school. A tall boy with puppy eyes directed at him, opened with shock, covering his mouth with both of his hands but unable to stop pedals fall to the bathroom tile. A sea of floral, a mosaic of soft pink and brilliant red were presented on the ground. A pretty scenery if things were different. This time however Changkyun, terrified, ran to call for help. His teachers came in a rush and took the boy (possibly) to a hospital. Later they came back to talk with Changkyun, saying he shouldn’t be worry and it’s just an old disease and it’s not really as dangerous as he thought. Changkyun didn’t question it because he didn’t know what was going. He just nodded but deep down he wondered, what was it.

Now he can understand, at least some part of it.

He knows reasons of the boy’s shock now, he knows the deadly flowers are the results of an impossible love, hence he feels vaguely sorry for that boy who cough them up and person who got coughed for them. Now he knows how it feels. It’s a heavy burden, both on the person who has Hanahaki and the other person. He reads more, trying to dig more information about those various solutions developed in time to stand against this deadly illness. Pills are the first thing to try. If it’s at the first base, pills work. They help stop the branches grow further and pierce the lungs but it’s not certain because pills doesn’t stop the disease, it just stalls. And as the time pass, it gets harder to intervene. But Changkyun thinks, if there is no one dying from it in Korea in at least seven years, it’s good news right? This means it’s cureable. After high school, Changkyun didn’t come across with someone who cough flowers. And it shouldn’t be hard to recognize after all, sunflower petals falling from someone’s lips as they cough, golden yellow fluttering to the ground to settle amongst the other flowers. Anyone can guess something is wrong.

Changkyun continues to read forums and finds out that if it gets really bad, there are procedures for removing the creeping vines and pointy torns that grow in the lungs, though those procedures have… unpleasant side effects. The tiring effect of the surgery is something but the other effect…

Changkyun can’t fathom being able to go through on a surgery like that, knowing that feelings will be ripped out right along with the invisible roots travelling through one’s body, pulled out as easily as a weed that has to be plucked for new growth. To feel nothing for the person who were once everything for you all of a sudden, like they never existed, like they never owned his heart, all of this seems impossible to Changkyun.

He can't do that, not while his heart is occupied to the fullest by Kihyun.

So his immediate reaction is to completely forget that he ever read any of this and to ignore the problem until it eventually goes away, like he does with most problems in his life. For two weeks, it works relatively well; since their midterms are just finished, he uses his chance to run back home, to Gwangju and Kihyun goes back to his own hometown like their other friends. They only contact through social media and group chat and that allows Changkyun some reprieve from the entire situation. Yet, Changkyun still feels it festering in his chest, especially when he feels that pang of loneliness, when he misses Kihyun’s bittersweet laughter over his own failure during basic English grammar readings, or when he rolls his eyes (but Changkyun can tell he genuinely loves it) whenever Changkyun does something incredibly stupid. It’s in those moments that he can physically feel the vines twisting up his throat, the petals lying dormant at the bottom of his lungs, just waiting to eat him alive, waiting to strike when he’s unprepared and ready to fall in love all over again.

The very next day after Changkyun is back from his two-week holiday, Changkyun sees Kihyun at the entrance, talking with a classmate and he chooses to slip up to his dorm room before the other one sees him. After ten minutes he barely sits in his dorm floor, surrounded by early hanged Christmas lights, staring at the randomly plastered glowing stars on his white ceiling as if they were galaxies ready to be mapped by his own celestial eyes. A chill runs up his spine and he chances a glance away from the stars and down to his fingers. Two lone, violet petals sit in his right palm, and he swirls them in his hand just like his thoughts do in his own mind, endless and begging to be answered when no clear answer exists.

Should he tell Kihyun? Is there even a chance that Kihyun will like him back?

His mind jumps to the same, automatic conclusion it does every time he thinks about this – no, there’s no way in hell that Kihyun would ever see anything in him that he couldn’t see in anyone else, stop fooling yourself you idiot. Jooheon always told him to stop putting himself down so much, back when Kihyun was just a mere flicker of a crush in the grand scheme of things, and Changkyun found it much easier to buy into the lie himself back then, when his biggest worries were failing at Audio Mixing and having another date stand him up for coffee.

Things are different now. Changkyun doesn’t know if it’s too late for him to even consider the pills. He knows that now, he’s so head over heels, he can possibly die.

Does it worth it, living with this pain? Should he just get the surgery and forget this all ever happened?

He surges forward with clammy hands, letting the petals fall to the carpet as he grasps his temples with his palms. What would that mean, to forget Kihyun? Forever?

Changkyun bitterly laughs, almost sounding disappointed and angry for even thinking something like this. The forums weren’t very helpful in this part – of course, anyone who actually got the surgery couldn’t exactly remember what things were like before, so they couldn’t say how things were different. And to be honest, that scared Changkyun. How could he just forget Kihyun like that? How could he act like nothing ever happened?

The gods are asking him to give up every single happy memory he has with Kihyun in exchange for a potentially bland life with more rejection, more Audio Mixing, and more unfulfilling emptiness.

Changkyun remembers first meeting the boy in the black leather jacket, barging into his dorm room to help Jooheon out, his friend from high school who newly moved into the dorm and Changkyun was surprised to see him, thinking he was his roommate, he greeted him. But Kihyun explained and when he saw the embarrassment on the younger one's face, he offered to stay with him until Jooheon came. Changkyun was glad and seeing the boy so attentive and helpful, he was baffled. Changkyun didn’t want him to do anything but Kihyun just waved his hand like it’s nothing and grabbed his suitcase to stuff it into his wardrobe before he flashed a bright smile when he asked if he could do anything to help.

Changkyun should have known, back then, that he was the moth barreling head-first into Kihyun’s wild flame. But he didn’t, and he blissfully ignored the warm buzz under his skin whenever Kihyun was around.

He really, really should have known. But he didn’t, and here he is, vines twisting up his throat, taunting him with the love he can never have.

“Hey!” Changkyun hears and with a flinch, he looks to door. Kihyun, smiling wide as he holds the door knob. “I thought I saw you.” he says.

“Oh.” Changkyun clears his throat, trying to smile back despite the sickening feeling of a cough that bugs his chest. “I didn’t see you.”

Kihyun walks in, hands tucked in his black jeans and looks around. His white sweater makes him look so soft, Changkyun feels his hands itching to wrap theirselves around his torso and bury his face in his chest. Oh, he missed Kihyun.

“Do you need any help with that suitcase?” Kihyun asks, pointing Changkyun’s poor belonging that lay on the floor.

Changkyun smiles, just like the first time they met and shakes his head. “I’m good. I’ll take care of that later. Where are the others?”

Kihyun sits on his bed with a shrug. “Hyungwon will be back tomorrow, Minhyuk and Hyunwoo hyung will be back two days later. What about Jooheon and Hoseok hyung?”

Changkyun sits next to him, copying his shrug. “They will be coming tomorrow as well.” He says. “You are early though. I thought you’d be coming with Minhyuk hyung.” He adds. He didn’t expect to see Kihyun.

“I wanted to come early to get prepared.” Kihyun replies.

“You wanted to _come_ early?” Changkyun says, he knows he is being stupid but he likes to tease Kihyun who looks flustered for a second before he bumps his shoulder to him with an annoyed grin.

“Shut up.”

Changkyun barely stops himself from coughing as they sit so close and hides it with a laugh when he can't hold back, and hates himself for putting himself in such position but he just wants to sit close to Kihyun, let their bodies brush even a little like it will help this itching in Changkyun’s throat go away.

“Wanna grab something? I’m starving.” Kihyun asks after a few moments of silence and Changkyun nods after considering the offer, thinking if he can hold himself. He thinks he can stop himself from coughing for an hour, he can do that. It definitely worths for Kihyun.

And Kihyun grabs his hand then, pulling him to the nearest cafe. He looks totally oblivious but Changkyun is alerted as ever, feels very aware of their locked fingers, he bites his lips until they sit down seperatly and tries really hard to look normal, swallow the petals and coughs as they eat burgers and chat, talk about what they did during their holidays. It's really hard to ignore the pain in his chest when Kihyun giggles softly and Changkyun tries so hard while drinking every expression Kihyun makes, he memorizes every sound he let’s out. Changkyun barely holds on, barely but he holds on.

And after he gets back from their little dinner, he runs to the bathroom, this time he throws up three white petals. Changkyun looks at the pretty petals in the sink and throws them into trash bin. Exhausted, he throws himself on his bed but he can’t sleep. He just keeps thinking, thinking, eyes trailing on the stars as if it’s not 3AM in the morning and like he doesn’t have class the next morning at 9 – Changkyun makes a decision.

Im Changkyun isn’t going to let himself ever forget Yoo Kihyun. He is going to fall on his own sword and treasure every moment he has from now on, knowing he had lived a life full of love and happiness.

Im Changkyun is going to die, and that is okay.

It is all okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what do you think?  
> What do you think is gonna happen? What should our poor Kyun do?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's going slow but I wanna keep it rational and I don't want to rush the story.  
> Thank you for staying with it and liking it!!  
> Thank you for kudos and comments as well!!
> 
> Please, have fun~~

A lot of things changes after Changkyun decides that he’s just gonna accept his fate.

He knows he wasn’t talking with Kihyun for the past weeks but he can easily blame the vacation for the lack of communication between him and his gang if anyone asks. Nobody does of course because they were too busy with their own thing. And just like any other normal semester, Changkyun meets with his friends after classes, goes out to have lunch, dinner with them.

Changkyun feels the blossoms burst in him slowly, petals shimmer in his lungs more and more each day but everything worths Changkyun thinks, it’s fine. It always worths when he sees Kihyun laughing with flickers in his eyes and reply him with a teasing comment along with his god-blessed smile, flushed cheeks stretching wide to anything Changkyun say.

It’s enough for him to wanna reach out and hug him without thought, and wishing Kihyun to hug him back. His fingers itch along with the disturbance in his chest. Changkyun hears the bell tolls for him but he simply closes his ears to it as thousand blossoms go off all at once in his lungs.

Changkyun starts to call his family more often. They are everything to him, even if they are hundreds of miles away, back in Boston where the sun keeps them warm. When he calls home, his mom always answers first, scolding him for not calling as much as he should; then his father who grabs the phone to talk about how is his school, not forgetting to add that ‘he knows his genius son should be doing very well.’ , making Changkyun’s heart swell with pride. Changkyun lives for these moments, because he knows that any day soon now he may be gone. It’s this thought that may or may not have cause him to shed a tear every time he hangs up the phone with a hurting heart.

His homework (and, consequentially, grades) seems unimportant and he just doesn’t care about them so he can have more time to hang out with his friends. They obviously notice – with Jooheon and Hoseok expressing the most concern and Hyungwon expressing the most eye-rolling disdain – but really, what do grades matter if you’re not going to live long enough to use your college degree anymore? Classes, grades, university, jobs… All of them seems really useless to him. Changkyun would consider dropping out even, but he’s here on a full ride, and more time in college means more time with Kihyun, so…

He doesn’t tell anybody about the disease. There is no point of doing that because why worry everyone over his condition when he can just spend his last moments laughing and enjoying life with them, right? Besides, if he tells anyone, he’s sure they will just encourage him to get a treatment, maybe even the surgery. And really, Changkyun can’t find it in him to remove such a drastic part of his life and forget about it.

So like everything in his life, he bottles it up, let it fester inside of him until it eventually kills him. How symbolic for Changkyun, to die because he is too scared to show the world what is really going on inside of his mind, heart, and spirit.

The days go by.

The last of yellow-orange leafs that hang on trees drop on the ground and winter announces it's arrival. It is more cold this year. At least Changkyun feels like it because nothing is enough to keep him warm. He feels really chilly even with a fluffy sweater in his coat. His flower condition too, effects him probably because he noticed the slight change in his weight, his outfits are more loose on him so that must have some sort of impact on his normal.. health. Changkyun tries to eat more to keep his health at a better stage but it doesn’t work much. Not when he starts to wake up during nights with a stuffed chest and can't take more than a few bites due to come and going nausea.

After dropping Jooheon to the class, Changkyun skips down and goes outside, moving pass some buildings and finally reach to the music department. He doesn’t walk that fast but somehow his heart beats at his throat like he just ran a thousand mile. He feels his throat itch, something he’s grown used to and choose to ignore. It’s managable at this point and Changkyun is getting better at keeping it under radar. So it’ll be okay he thinks and takes the stairs, goes to the third floor. As he gets closer to the farthest room his heart starts to beat louder. He let’s out a big breath before holding the door knob and twist, hearing the music first before entering the room. The soft notes of Fly Me To The Moon lingers in the air until it’s silent.

“Changkyun?” Kihyun calls to him, ever melodic, ever beautiful.

Changkyun takes a deep breath, getting inside. Seems like there is no one in the practice room but Kihyun who slight turns to the door in his seat. He wears a black turtleneck on a black trouser, his hair is styled back. Simple yet perfect. Maybe because he is biased but Changkyun thinks he looks like he can rival with any models in the country.

“Hi hyung.” He says, smiling, trying to ignore the butterflies in his chest. “You were playing Fly Me To The Moon?”

Kihyun smiles back too “Yes.” He says. “I thought you were Minhyuk. He said he’ll come by to talk about play rehearsals. Apparently they pushed back the audition day a few weeks later so we’ll have to bear a little more with him.”

“Really?” Changkyun asks with huge eyes. More rehearsals with Kihyun? He would refuse it a few weeks ago but now, now when he tries to spend more time with the elder, Changkyun thinks it’s a really good chance for him to have and internally he sends a thank you to their friend.

“Yes.” Kihyun replies, smiling with a frown. “He said he’d be here around eleven.” With the mention of the time, his eyes dart to the clock on the wall. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class right now? What are you doing here at this hour?”

Changkyun simply shrugs. “I wanted to skip.”

“You are doing that a lot lately, apparently.” Kihyun replies with a raised brow.

Changkyun blushes like he’s caught red handed. Maybe because Kihyun knows his schedule or maybe because he is interested in what Changkyun doing or maybe Changkyun just thinks more than he should. It’s not a hard to guess to know that he should be in the class, listening Ms Kim talking about the delicacy of songwriting. It’s just… Changkyun chooses to be here now. And he knows, over anything, he would always choose to be here.

“Jooheon hyung?” Changkyun guesses the person who might told this information to Kihyun.

“Yeah. He is worried about you.” Kihyun says. He looks down like he thinks of something before he looks up. “I’m too.”

A cough rises to Changkyun’s lips then. He can’t help it, it gets away but thankfully nothing happens. He just waves his hand and covers it with a laugh. “Don’t be hyung. I’ve never skipped a class before. I just feel a bit rebellious these days and that’s all.”

Kihyun looks at him like he evaluates him and then he shows a smile, one that illuminates the whole room. “Well if you decided to be rebellious and come here, at least I can help you spend some quality time.”

Changkyun looks at him with a curious look.

Kihyun waves a hand to him, calling him. “Come on. I’ll play something for you.”

Like a puppy who is called by his owner, Changkyun almost runs to Kihyun. He would totally sprint if he’s not trying to be subtle about how whipped he is for the pianist so Changkyun takes a few steps, dropping his bag to the ground and sits next to Kihyun excitedly.

Kihyun, aware of his happiness, smiles. “So, do you have anything in mind?” he asks, bumping his left shoulder to the younger.

“A song?” Changkyun asks earnestly.

“Yeah, a song a piece... Anything you want. I’ll play anything for you.” Kihyun replies with a soft voice.

"Oh." Changkyun blushes and tugs at his hair. He thinks for a moment, even though the song is already playing in his mind, he gives a few moments to at least to seem like he thinks.

“Autumn Leaves.” He says eventually and watches the surprise and fondness growing on Kihyun’s face.

“Okay.” Kihyun nods with a smile and turns to piano, placing his fingers on the keys. “I feel happy that you chose my favorite song so I’ll do you another favor and sing it for you as I play.”

“Really?” Changkyun’s eyes light, heart squeezes.

“Yeah.” Kihyun replies and turns to piano. He starts to play the song and sing softly. His fingers fly over the keys, he knows the song by heart and his god-gifted voice comes out so smooth like he is not playing and singing at the same time. Changkyun watches his small mimics and how he finds the next note without looking down and just simply enjoy the song.

When the song ends and Kihyun sings the last word, Changkyun realizes he’s been watching him with an open expression, very honest, one that you can see all his emotions on his face.

"This was beautiful." Changkyun says, tears on the verge of spilling.

Kihyun chuckles softly. "Glad you liked it."

“Hyung…” Changkyun takes a breath, still not out of the soft bubbles that the song created.

"Yeah?"

“Will you play this to me whenever I ask?”

Kihyun turns to him, a curious stare pointed Changkyun. “What? Autumn Leaves?”

“Yeah…” Changkyun bites his bottom lip, hesitant because his own words catches him off guard but he really wants to hear Kihyun play and sing as long as he can.

Kihyun looks at him for a moment, nods slowly. “Of course I will.” He smiles warmly, softly. “I will play this song whenever you want.” He says and reaches to Changkyun’s head, messing with his hair slowly.

It’s such a soft gesture, a gentle one and caring one even. One that causes Changkyun’s stomach flip and lungs push more.

“Thank you hyung.” Changkyun says, feeling warm.

Kihyun’s hand touches his cheek accidentally as he lowers it. “Oh Kyunnie you are cold.” He says with a concerned tone and grabs Changkyun’s hands, rubbing them slowly, softly. “Your hands are cold too.”

Changkyun feels his air way getting stuffy, he knows what it means so as much as he hates to do that, he pulls his hands away and gets up slowly, feeling his chest getting tighter and tighter. “It’s okay don’t worry. I’ll just visit the restroom quickly.” He mumbles and leaves when Kihyun nods with a confused expression.

Changkyun runs to the restroom at the floor below as fast as his leg allows him. He can’t see in front of him clearly because his vision is going blurry due to coughs but he finds the door, opening it after screwing the knob a few times but he can’t make it to the toilet so he chooses the sink instead. A stupid cough burns his lungs and another stupid cough practically brings Changkyun to his knees. He’s bent forward, one hand clutching his mouth, the other the front of his shirt as he hacks. Three petal falls to the ground, orange petals and Changkyun keeps coughing.

Like his face, his hand feels wet when he’s stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!!  
> Tell me what do you think^^


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for comments and kudos!
> 
> I hope you will like this chapter as well^^
> 
> Have fun!

Changkyun thinks he is doing a very good job by ignoring the disease like it’s not exist in the first place. He does his best to avoid it’s effects on his mental and physical health as much as he can. Like he is not coughing more and more each day as different colored petals fall from his small lips and they place a horrible pain to his chest that he can feel constantly and cause him to wake up during ungodly hours of the night. The nausea that became a constant in his daily life, effects his appetite and the loss of weight on his body is very visible. He sees the worried looks his friends throw at him and when they mention about it, Changkyun simply says he is just losing weight to gain muscles later on. He doesn’t know if they buy it but they don’t question further so that’s enough for Changkyun. He hangs out with them more, they have movie nights more often these days because it’s winter and the weather is really cold. Due to constant wind and snow, they can’t go outside often so their options are limited. Changkyun likes the movie nights where he can just bask in the happiness of being with his friends and the person who has his all being. He likes seeing Jooheon hiding behind Hyunwoo’s shoulders during a scary scene, he likes Minhyuk pulling pranks on Jooheon to scare him even more, he likes Hyungwon watching them softly while Hoseok scolds Minhyuk for doing such a childish behaviour, he likes Kihyun hugging Jooheon to cheer him up with small pats on his back.

Changkyun often, let's just say everyday, visits Kihyun while he practices and watches him silently. Listening him playing Bach, Mozart and Jazz classics heals his soul, which it's ironic, considering his body is collapsing because of the handsome pianist. He wants to laugh at the comedy he's in when the idea comes to his mind but when Kihyun sings Autumn Leaves to him, when he sings softly with his velvety voice and small smile, Changkyun's heart aches and he knows he did the best choice. 

Changkyun also really tries to keep his disease hidden. He knows what’s gonna happen if someone learns, they will pity him for having such a disease even though Changkyun takes pride in it, for loving someone so much. He just tries his best in the best way he knows.

Or, well, he _tries_ to keep it hidden, but the disease clearly has other plans.

It’s one of those movie nights at Hoseok and Hyunwoo’s room. Thankfully for Jooheon, instead of a horror movie they are watching a rom-com today. More accordingly a movie that started as a rom-com and ended as a misery. Changkyun hears sniffs and someone sobbing while he watches the last scene with shock. He didn’t expect it to turn out like this, he knows everybody is surprised like he did. He doesn’t have to guess who the crying one is when the ending credits roll because he presents himself right away.

“Who picked this movie? I swear I’m gonna ban him for three weeks from choosing. Why did he have to die?” Hoseok says as he wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.

“It was Hyungwon’s fault.” Kihyun rats out his roommate and sticks a tongue out to him when Hyungwon whispers a “Thanks a lot.”

“He was sick hyung.” Jooheon pouts, he’s crying too.

“He could have tell it to his love. They would get through it together.” Hoseok shakes his head in denial. “He should have told him.”

“That would be dumb. He didn’t know if the guy was loving him back or not.” Minhyuk says, grabbing the empty coke bottles.

Changkyun perks up to the conversation when Hyungwon gets up to help him and say “Don’t you think that’s selfish?”

“Why?” Minhyuk shrugs.

“Sometimes…” Changkyun starts softly. “Sometimes you don’t want to hurt or burden the other person with your own feelings. It happens because you can’t control your emotions, other person has nothing to do with it so they don’t have to be burdened with that. Love isn’t about pain, it should be about joy.”

“Poetic but I don’t agree with you Kyun.” Kihyun shakes his head. “That person deserves to know because love happens between two human and each one should know what’s going on. Love isn’t just about joy, it’s also about pain. And they should share it. Even when that person doesn’t reciprocate the feelings back, they deserve to know because it involves them too.”

Changkyun looks at him, eyes glittered with surprise. He didn’t think Kihyun would think like this.

“I’m too hungry for this conversation.” Jooheon pouts, wrapping his arms around his torso cutely.

“Yeah me too. All that crying emptied my stomach along with my tear source in the eye which I don’t know what it’s called.” Hoseok adds.

“The weather seems not that bad, we can go outside if we wear warm clothes. What should we have? I’m good with anything as long as it’s something hot.” Hyunwoo says to the gang.

“I’m gonna throw this to the recycle bin. Meet you in front of the doors in five.” Minhyuk announces, he grabs his coat, takes the trash and goes outside.

“Let’s have chicken!” Kihyun says too enthusiastically after their friend leaves and his expression turns offended when everyone groan, shaking their head, saying they don’t want to eat chicken, they always eat chicken.

“Should we go grab burgers?” Hoseok suggests and everybody nods this time.

Kihyun frowns, his lips quiver slightly as the betrayal and hurt show themselves on his face. Changkyun wants to cheer him up, he wants to say Changkyun will go and eat chicken for every meal for the rest of his life, if that’ll make Kihyun happy. It’s a very cheesy exaggeration of course, anyone would feel sick and tired of having the same meal over and over again but that’s how Changkyun feels. It’s cheesy, but he loves him that much.

Although thinking that he keeps petals in his chest which can end his life for the sake of their memories together, it’s obvious that Changkyun loves Kihyun so much. Especially when he smiles, his face lights up like thousands suns in there. A brightness presents itself. Like the welcomed glow he has right now. Changkyun couldn’t hear what Jooheon said and why Kihyun laughed this much but he knows he is smiling huge too, his face hurts with the wide of his lips.

“Okay okay.” Kihyun nods to Jooheon, keeping the smile. Blindly he grabs Changkyun’s hand, probably to get him off from the pear bean bag chair.

Changkyun’s chest convulses violently, like a trapped hiccup. His sides aches from the force of it, so he frees his hand, getting up in a whim. Right across him, Kihyun glances at him. A slight spark of surprise flickers in his dark eyes as he calls, “Changkyun?”

“I uh.. I’m gonna swing by my room, I forgot to grab something.” Changkyun says in as flat a tone as he can manage with his throbbing sides. “You guys go. I’ll meet you down stairs.” He smiles.

Kihyun pauses, then nods.

“Hurry up. I’m really hungry.” Jooheon hurries him.

Changkyun rushes a floor up to his and Jooheon’s room. He gets inside the bathroom, running to the sink.

Something is wrong, is the first thing Changkyun thinks because this pain in his throat is different. Different than what he experienced before. Somehow it’s more strong like there is little spikes in his throat and they are moving with each cough, pointing in his lungs.

Changkyun’s body shakes as he desperately holds sink to stand up. He coughs strongly and it hurts so much, he grabs the edges tight enough for his knuckles to turn white. He coughs again and this time he feels iron taste in his mouth. ‘Damn it’, he thinks

“Changkyun why are you running—“ Minhyuk stands at the door, looking at Changkyun and the petals in the sink and then back at Changkyun with a confused face. His expression turns horrified when Changkyun clutches his throat desperately and coughs a few petals more, falling on his knees.

“Changkyun!?” Minhyuk yells, running to his friend. He drops on his knees, not knowing what to do he grabs Changkyun’s shoulders.

“Hyung what are you---“ Changkyun starts but a cough cuts him off.

“I forgot to get my scarf so I was coming back up to my room but then I saw you running and I came after you. And I’m glad I did look at you! What is going on?”

“It is nothing hyung.” Changkyun says, pitily. “I swear I’m okay.”

“You are vomiting bloody petals Kyun how the fuck you can be okay?” Minhyuk says, wiping his friends chin with his sleeve.

Changkyun shakes his head, trying to come up with something to say. He feels light headed due to all that cough and throw up.

“Changkyun, do you have Hanahaki?” Minhyuk holds Changkyun’s face in his palms with worry.

“You know… Do you know…” Changkyun can’t finish the sentence, his throat hurts.

“I know unfortunately.” Minhyuk replies. “Changkyun, that doesn’t matter. You need help. I’m calling the gang.”

“No!” Changkyun grabs his wrists, pleading.” Ple—Please don’t.”

A heartbeat of silence. Then two. Then three.

Minhyuk asks him with huge eyes. “Is it one of them? The reason of your Hanahaki?” He stops and then grabs Changkyun’s shoulders firmly, looking at him earnestly. “Is it _me_?”

Changkyun shakes his head. “No.” is all he can reply. He doesn’t say anything else, his heart is beating crazy due to all that rush. He's terrified both because Minhyuk caught him and there are blood with petals this time. His mind just spins.

“Hyung, please just don’t say anything to anyone.” He begs with a hoarse voice, the episode is gone. He knows it's done for now. “I’m okay, let’s just go downstairs. They are waiting and they will come up if we don’t go. So let’s just go. Please.”

Minhyuk looks at him with a huff, weighs the idea then nods. “All right. You should change." He helps Changkyun get up. "And don't think you can get away with this because we are gonna talk about this tonight after dinner. Do you understand me?” he says with a determined voice. Changkyun nods slowly.

“I do.” He replies because he doesn't have any other option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it^^
> 
> Tell me what you think^^


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!! I think we have 2 or 3 chapters left, and then the story will be done.  
> I hope you will like this one!  
> Thank you for kudos and comments I really appreciate them.  
> Tell me what you think~~

After the dinner Changkyun meets with Minhyuk at the closed cafeteria of their dorm. He doesn’t have intention to tell him everything but Minhyuk is a very persistent person and he asks the right questions so Changkyun pretty much tells him everything. Who he has a crush on, well, he doesn’t need to say that.

“Is it Kihyun?” Minhyuk strikes gold on Changkyun’s emotional wellbeing, causing Changkyun to stiffen like he wasn’t on the edge whole time they talked.

“It’s totally Kihyun, isn’t it.” At the lack of any witty comment, Minhyuk leans in closer, observing his friend with concern painted on his face. Even though they sit lights off to avoid anyone interrupt their discussion, Changkyun can see his friend’s worried expression. “Listen Kyunnie, you’ve made googly eyes at him since you two first met, but you’ve taken it to a whole other level recently, it almost makes me wanna go soft on him without teasing-“

“Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever,” Changkyun waves him off, tapping on the cup filled with milk, stolen from fridge by Minhyuk for Changkyun to drink because he couldn’t finish his dinner tonight and his friend is pretty insistint on him finishing the glass. He adds weakly. “I don’t show it that much…”

Minhyuk lets out a dry chuckle, shoots him a glare to point out how absurd what he says so Changkyun sinks in his chair, quietly taking his cup to drink some.

“Hyung…” Changkyun calls out to him after realizing that both of them fall into a silence somehow. Changkyun lost in thoughts, Minhyuk probably trying to absorb the information he just learned.

“Hmm?” Minhyuk hums in thought.

“When you found me at the bathroom… You knew it was Hanahaki.” Changkyun says, voice coming out small for what reason. Maybe because of the thing he’s going to say next, “How did you know?”

Minhyuk drops his look on him, eyes showing a feeling Changkyun reads as agony and pity. “My brother had it. A few years ago. High school crush. I found him in his bedroom one day, covered in petals and we took him to the hospital immediately, he got the surgery and after he was charged, he signed up for military.”

“Oh…” Changkyun says with a surprised voice, he didn’t expect this. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah, it’s not something I talk about because my family thought we should keep it hush hush.”

“I can understand why.”

Minhyuk scoffs. “Yeah think about how your family would react if they’ll find out their son is ready to throw his life away because of a crazy little thing called love.”

“Hey, don’t try to guilt trip me hyung. I know what I’m doing okay?” Changkyun huffs.

“Do you Changkyun? Do you really know?” Minhyuk puts his hands on the table, leaning to his friend.

“Listen.” The genuine-ness that warms Minhyuk’s voice makes Changkyun look up, and he sees a Minhyuk with his eyebrows creased, pensive and concerned which is a rare sight to see on his always so cheerful friend’s face. “I know what it is to be in love, how you get when you really like someone, yeah? It’s like… you almost change into a whole different person. You would probably throw yourself off of a cliff if they so much as mentioned the idea. I guess I just…”

Minhyuk fiddles with his thumbs, surprisingly lost for words. “Kihyun is a great guy. Despite all the jokes and teases we’re having ,I like him and I think you guys would have the greatest babies ever if you could, don’t get me wrong. But if you’d come to me at the very first day, I’d tell you that I don’t want you to lose yourself in this entire thing and we’d do something about it but it’s too late now because you’ve already crossed that bridge, haven’t you Changkyun? I know how you want to keep this, that’s what my brother tried to do too but please let’s just do something. Let’s go see a doctor or I don’t know, talk with Kihyun. I don’t want to lose my friend Changkyun.”

At the low, heart-breaking tone that Minhyuk takes on, Changkyun reconsiders this whole ‘I-will-die-for-Kihyun’ thing. Is he throwing himself over the metaphorical cliff here? Is he just throwing his life away over some stupid crush?

No, his mind interjects, it’s nothing like that. He thinks back to his crushes of the past at high school and Hyunwoo at the first semester. He liked them all, yeah, and maybe he was a little overdramatic and willing to throw himself in front of a moving truck for them, but this thing with Kihyun truly felt different.

And why is that? What makes Kihyun so special?

Changkyun already knows the answer. It’s not because Kihyun was treating him different than their other friends, it’s because Kihyun was always there for him like he is for all of them. He’s always caring, always so helpful, always attentive whenever Changkyun needed something and he was imperfect, he’d spend hours and hours to practice just to perfect a piece he was practicing and got frustrated when he played a single note wrong, lash out on pretty much everything. He’d like toothpaste like mint chocolate ice-cream and action movies to watch because he’d never admit he got scared at horror movies. He’d always carry his earphones around, offering one to Changkyun when younger was studying and he was simply there to accompany him. It was the gentle smiles and soft, caring touches. It was the sincerity in his eyes when he agreed to play and sing Autumn Leaves, his favorite song, just for Changkyun. He was just Kihyun – beautiful, flawed, passionate, and ready to put everything he had into the things he cared about.

It was just enough to make Changkyun realize that yes, he would give anything for the pianist as long as he can be the only person he’d play and sing Autumn Leaves for.

“Hyung, your brother… Does he remember?” Changkyun bites his bottom lip, looking up to his silver haired friend. “Any of it?”

Minhyuk looks at him for a moment before he slowly shake his head.

“He doesn’t?”

“No.”

“He doesn’t remember anything at all? The memories? The person who he had a crush on?”

Minhyuk shakes his head again.

“Oh.” Changkyun sinks back in his chair. That answer gives another conformation that he’s doing the right thing with this. That he was right to made his mind. He glances to his cup before he looks up to Minhyuk. “Talking to Kihyun for the first time and feeling nothing no matter what he says would be worse than death. The feelings I have now… I want to protect them. Even if they end up destroying me.”

“Changkyun—“ Minhyuk starts worriedly.

“Hyung.” Changkyun cuts him off. “I know what you are gonna say and I value your words, I promise you but I want you to respect my thoughts and decisions because no matter how much you disagree, I’m not a kid. I’m capable of thinking and seeing things from different perspectives so don’t try to change my mind. And please keep this to yourself because I don’t want to regret ever telling this to you, I value our friendship more than anything.”

Minhyuk looks at him like a kicked puppy before he nods unwillingly.

Changkyun feels something gets off of his chest when he takes another sip from the milk.

\\*******/

Changkyun thinks, the coughing’s getting worse compared to the beginning. He’s throwing up more now, and his body thumms with a constant sense of weakness. Minhyuk is always there to cover him up, he even cancelled the play rehearsals after seeing Changkyun running to bathroom after muttering the second line of his character. He’s interestingly quiet about the issue too, Changkyun thought he’d at least tell Jooheon but it’s been three days and Jooheon still haven’t killed him so…

After a very long study day, the gang decided to treat themselves with burgers. Unhealthy yes but who cares when you can eat a piece of heaven right? Hyunwoo and Hoseok got double burgers and seems like they’ve already finished the first ones, Hyungwon is lazily eating greasy fries, occasionally wiping his fingers to a tissue and glare at Minhyuk for stealing from his fries, Jooheon is munching his burger happily and Kihyun is, looking perfect as ever, eats his burger with small bites. Changkyun… well Changkyun is just staring at his menu because he doesn’t feel like eating. What a surprise.

“Hey so I wanna discuss something.” Minhyuk says out of the blue, making their friends look at to him with surprised faces. Hoseok and Kihyun’s avengers discussion halts and Hyunwoo lifts an eyebrow to the silver haired, not appreciating him interrupting his moment with fries. Changkyun looks at him with curiosity, he was getting bored of his self-proclaimed staring contest with his burger so it’s fine for him to let Minhyuk steal his attention for a while.

“What is it?” Hyunwoo asks, throwing a hand full of fries to his mouth.

Jooheon shakes his head, pouting. “Hyung we’ve already discussed this. You can’t bribe the jury, it’s ethically not okay and against the laws—“

“I’m not talking about auditions for the play Honey.” Minhyuk cuts him off with a horror on his face. “Who needs to bribe them when I can easily get picked for my talents?”

“Then why did you—“

“It’s not bribe okay, I was just suggesting they can use sunscreen because even though it’s winter, you gotta protect yourself from the sun. How is that a bribe? Anyway…” Minhyuk says turning back to the rest of the gang. “I was gonna ask your opinion about something. Recently I watched a movie—“

Hyungwon gasps. “Without me?”

Minhyuk throws him an apologetic smile, patting on his thigh softly. “Sorry baby.” And then he continues. “You guys know hanahaki? The disease.”

Changkyun’s eyes open like someone electrocuted him. He looks at Minhyuk, hands starts to shake so he lowers them under the table for no one to see.

_Hyung what are you doing?_

Minhyuk ignores him. Of course.

“I think I do. One of our neighbours got it a few years ago.” Hoseok comments.

“I don’t know what it is.” Hyunwoo replies, swallowing fries. “Is it something like flu?”

“No.” Minhyuk shakes his head. “It’s more like a deadly flu. You catch it because of unrequited love, not cold and instead of having fever, you get thorns and petals and wines in your lungs. They get big and twist until they rip your lungs and then well, you die.”

Hyunwoo gasps. “I didn’t see that coming.”

Kihyun, silent until now, speaks up. “Why did you bring that up?”

Changkyun feels his heart beating on his ears.

Minhyuk takes a sip from his soda. “Well I watched this movie about a guy who had hanahaki and decided to just accept it and die because he couldn’t talk with the person he loved.”

“Oh why though?” Jooheon asks with a pouty face.

“Because they were friends and he didn’t want to risk their relationship.”

“That sucks.” Hyungwon comments.

“Why didn’t he get any treatment? Our neighbour used medication for almost six months and she was fine after that.”

“Because he’s too far gone for medication and surgery may cause him to lose his memories with the person he loves. He may forget that person.”

“Awful.” Hyungwon comments again.

“Yeah. So I wanted to ask, what would you do if you were in his place?” Minhyuk asks. “Or if you were the person he crushed on.” 

Changkyun, holding his breath, looks at his friends one by one. His chest feels too tight, he feels like he can’t breathe as he waits an answer.

“I’d probably go down like a soldier you know?” Hoseok comments. “I wouldn’t risk losing my friend over my own feelings.”

“I’d get the surgery card.” Jooheon says. “I mean, wouldn’t seeing and living with that person be more important than dying over them?”

Minhyuk hums in thought before he looks at Kihyun like he did set his eyes on him at the begin with.

 _Please don’t,_ Changkyun begs mentally.

“How about you Kihyun? What would you do?”

Kihyun puts half-eaten burger to his plate as he tilts his head, thinking, “I think I’d tell them. Who knows what will happen, maybe they can figure it out you know?”

“I agree.” Hyunwoo adds, slurping his coke.

“What about if you were the person who got crushed on? What then?”

“I’d like to know about the other person’s feelings.” Kihyun replies, shrugging. “Because that person harbors those feelings for me right? I’d be responsible for some part of it..? Yeah, I should take responsibility too. And if it’s life or death, I should definitely take responsibility.”

“What about your friendship though?” Changkyun mutters out forcefully. His chest feels too tight for his own good. This whole conversation is not helping him at all.

“When it’s about someone’s life, I think the friendship can easily be overlooked.” Kihyun says voice as calm as a still pond, eyes focussed on him.

“But what if that person won’t want to be friends with the other one again? Would it worth it?”

“I don’t think dying over someone who will never know your feelings worth it.”

Changkyun feels a frustration bubble inside him. “You think it doesn’t worth? Loving someone that much isn’t valuable?”

Kihyun shrugs. “I’m just saying it’s not necessary to die over them.”

Changkyun coughs, feeling his throat stuffy. “Well, how would you know if you’ve never loved someone that much?”

“Are we still talking about the movie?” Jooheon pouts.

Changkyun glares at his friend, covering his mouth as he coughs and gets up from his chair. “I'm gonna go wash my hands.” He says and moves away. He doesn’t see the confused look Kihyun throwing at him as he walks out.

Later that night while Jooheon is playing Overwatch at Hyungwon’s room and Changkyun laying on his bed idly, he hears a knock on his door.

“I came with peace offerings.” Kihyun smiles at him softly by the door, silently asking if he can come in and Changkyun of course, calls him in as he sits up. Kihyun gets inside, closing the door behind him and sits next to Changkyun on his bed.

“I’ve got chocolate.” Kihyun shows the bar in his hand, offering one to Changkyun. His stomach definitely isn’t in the mood for something so sweet but Changkyun accepts it nevertheless.

Kihyun peels of the chocolates and gives one to Changkyun, silently nibbles on it.

Changkyun knows why he came and frankly he knows it was truly an unnecesary lash out on his part but he felt really frustrated and couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Hurting Kihyun is the last thing he wants to do.

“Hyung I uh…” Changkyun starts, feeling embarrassed. “I’m sorry for acting out.” He says with an apologetic face. “I know I overreacted and it was stupid of me.”

“No.” Kihyun shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have said that it’s not necessary. We were just talking and I was just assuming things but I guess you can never know until you go through something by yourself.” He says, looking at Changkyun. “So I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” Changkyun replies, and there is a pause, then a breath, and -

“I hope you will never go through with it hyung.” Changkyun says, smiling small. He really, truly hopes that.

Kihyun looks at him for a moment like he intends to say something or ask questions but he doesn’t, he just cracks a smile. “I hope none of us will.”

Changkyun smiles bitterly at the wishful thought. “I hope.”

“So I saw Jooheon dozing off on my bed and thought I can crush on his bed as well if that’s okay with you?”

Changkyun nods, hoping that he is not showing how eager he is. “Yeah yeah of course.” He replies, trying to swallow the petals rising up to his mouth. "Only if you sing Autumn Leaves though." He grins.

Kihyun lifts an eyebrow at him amused. "In return?"

"You can say it as a lullaby." Changkyun shrugs.

Kihyun laughs, his face lights up somehow. "You are such a baby."

The tightness in Changkyun's heart gets warmer. "No I'm not." He mutters but he knows he is smirking.

"You are to me." Kihyun comments, a small, lighthearted chuckle pleases Changkyun's ear.

“You can just get in it, I’ll go to the bathroom quickly and join you.” He says then when he feels the familiar nausea and gets up to lock himself to the bathroom. He opens the tap, hoping the water will be louder than his coughing while he closes his mouth so there will be less sound while throwing up green petals slicked with blood droplets. He cleans everything and splash some water on his face, carding his hair to fix his look somehow before he steps out.

“I was about to come and rescue you.” Kihyun softly laughs at him, wrapped up in blankets. He looks so cute with his messy brown hair.

“I’d call you out if I needed help. Or better I’d call for Hyunwoo hyung, I’m sure he could just scoop me with one hand.”

“Brat.”

Changkyun gets inside his own bed, flipping off the switch to turn off the lights.

“Good night Kyunnie.”

“Sweet dreams hyung.”

And for the first time in a long time Changkyun falls asleep, listening Kihyun softly sing Autumn Leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo what do you think^^


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning before you read, this chapter contains a loooooot of suffering and pain and angst, I tried to convey it strongly so the language may be disturbing, my heart literally ached while writing this so read with caution please.  
> To be honest I was happily writing the last chapter of Clover Love and then suddenly Autumn Leaves just squeezed itself forcefully so here is chapter 7, it's longer than other chapters because I just couldn't stop writing details well.. I hope you will like it but as I said above, this chapter is hurtful so if you feel triggered with the descriptions please don't go forward.
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos please do tell me what you think after you read it^^  
> Have fun^^

“Happy birthday!”

Changkyun steps into Minhyuk’s dorm room after an ambiguous message sent by the older, ordering him to come with peace offerings, meaning pizza so he does as he’s ordered, gets his peace offerings and heads to the said room. He knocks once but doesn’t wait for an answer as he turns the knob. Truth to be told, seeing the gang in front of him with party decorations, hats, cake and them chanting happy birthday the moment he opens the lights, is the last thing Changkyun expects.

“Happy birthday little wolfie!” Minhyuk claps his hands excitedly while Jooheon walks, holding a cake carefully. It’s a chocolate cake decorated with strawberries placed like they write 21 which it’s gonna be Changkyun’s new age, tomorrow.

“Guys, today isn’t my birthday? It’s tomorrow.” Changkyun states, confused with the early celebration.

“We know silly!” Hoseok shoves at his shoulder lightly in a teasing way. “But what’s the point of celebrating it on your actual birthday? There is no element of surprise. So surprise!”

“Don’t act like you thought celebrating it a day before, it was Kihyun’s idea.” Minhyuk rolls his eyes at their friend. Changkyun’s eyes flicker to the elder who lifts an eyebrow at him and he senses some suggestion under the words then but he doesn’t dwell on it.

“And it worked! Look at him, he’s totally shocked!” Hyungwon punches Hoseok’s arm slightly as he giggles, covering his laugh with his free hand.

“Come on Kyun, blow out the candles before they melt on the cake.” Hyunwoo points out, urging Changkyun.

“Hey, don’t forget to wish something before you do that.” Hoseok reminds.

“Do you really think it works?” Minhyuk rolls his eyes and Hoseok gapes in shock, real shock.

“How dare you question the credibility of birthday candles?”

“Hyung are you seriously—“

“Can you just please blow them out Kyun? I’m holding this cake more than ten minutes, my arms are falling asleep.”

“Oh why?”

“I had to protect your cake or else I was going to eat a few toppings.” Jooheon pouts. “Come on.” He says holding the cake up a little higher and Changkyun lets out a giggle.

“Don’t forget to wish!” Hoseok insists and Changkyun nods.

He takes a glance at Kihyun who chants birthday song happily before he blows out the candles.

“Let’s give presents come on!”

“Minhyuk let’s cut the cake first.“

“Here’s my gift.” Minhyuk dances a little happily in his place as he ignores Hyungwon and offers a few colorful cards to Changkyun.

“Free Hug Coupons?” Changkyun looks at the cards he received, laughing before looking up at the older. “You are amazing hyung.”

“I know.” Minhyuk nods slowly with an honest pride.

“And my gift is…” Hyungwon says, bringing forth something he fetched when Minhyuk totally ignored him. “My blanket! More accurately I got you the same blanket I use, the one you like a lot because it’s—“

“Soft!” Changkyun yelps in happiness, grabbing the blanket from Hyungwon’s hands and pressing it to his face, feeling it’s softness. “This blanket is made out of angel feathers. I love it so much! Thank you hyung.”

“You are welcome Kyunie.” Hyungwon shows a gummy smile.

“Coupons and blanket? Try harder hyungs.” Jooheon tsks and crosses his hands on his chest proudly. “We got you the game you wanted to play so much. It’s on steam so we don’t have anything physical to give you but we’ll download it to your laptop when we get back to our room.” Jooheon says, gesturing his head to Hoseok and Hyunwoo who stand with smiles.

“Oh my god what?” Changkyun asks in surprise. “I wanted to play it since forever!”

“It’s released two months ago but yeah I get you, it’s an awesome game.” Hoseok says, giggling.

“But don’t play without us, we gotta finish it together okay?” Hyunwoo adds and Changkyun nods like an amazed puppy.

“And the last gift giver, Kihyun! I wonder if you can top any of us with that present of yours!” Minhyuk teases, wiggling his hands on Kihyun’s head.

Changkyun watches Kihyun sticking a tongue to the taller one and step closer as his heart hammers wildly towards his ribs.

“Here you go. After I saw what the others got you, I’m not that confident with my gift but I hope you’ll like it.” Kihyun says with a warm smile, giving a small box, slightly nervous. Changkyun takes it with shaking hands, hoping nobody realizes and opens it, his eyes immediately soak with the sight. There are two black knit gloves with green, orange, yellow and red leaves embroidered on them. They look like the leaves that fall from trees at autumn. It’s beautiful.

“What’s that?” Hyungwon hovers next to Changkyun to take a look at it. “It’s just a pair of gloves.” He states with a disappointed tone.

Kihyun looks at Changkyun then, wrings his hands together, suddenly nervous somehow. “Money was pretty tight this year, I spent everything I have so uh… you know I couldn’t afford to get you anything super fancy like the others did but your hands are always so cold these days and I know how to knit my grandma taught me so I figured I could make you something? I didn’t make the whole thing, the idea came to me late so I just embroidered leaves on a pair of simple black gloves. Of course, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to-“

“You...” Changkyun starts, then stops; then starts again, “You made this?” He asks, his chest starts to ache.

“Yeah.” Kihyun nods. “I did it but as I said you don’t have to use it if you didn’t like it—“

“I love it!” Changkyun beams at Kihyun, holding the small square package in his hand tightly like it’s the most precious thing because it is. “Thank—Thank you hyung. I’ll wear it all the time.”

Changkyun feels his throat closing up more quicker than ever so he coughs to release the disturbance on his chest. He feels tight around his heart but it doesn’t matter, not when he is so happy like this.

“Thank you.” Changkyun looks up at Kihyun with a smile before he looks at his other friends.

“Thank you all. I really didn’t expect you guys to throw a surprise party for my birthday. I really am caught off guard.” Changkyun says, clearing his throat. It doesn’t help, he knows the petals are waking up. But still, he hopes he can just say get through a few hours before it bothers him more.

“Come on, let’s have some cake.” Hyunwoo grabs the cake from Jooheon’s hands and places it on the study table. They trust the knife with Hoseok, knowing he is gonna cut even pieces much to Jooheon’s dismay. He gives biggest one to Changkyun because he is the birthday boy but Changkyun barely touches the fork, too nauseous to eat anything. He tries his best to keep up with the party but after a while he feels too tired, his whole body aches so he just sits down on Minhyuk’s bed with a cup of coke in his hand, his barely eaten cake is deserted on the console next to bed.

The party is a mess truth to be told, there are empty plates and half eaten pizzas around, at some point Jooheon spilled some soda on Hyunwoo’s bed because he tripped on nothing and got scolded by Minhyuk for it, Hyungwon and Hoseok already installed Changkyun’s birthday gift game to Hyunwoo’s pc saying they just want to check how are the visuals and controllers but after Changkyun turned their duello offer they decided to have a match among themselves, Kihyun is having a conversation with Hyunwoo about the scholarship they both are getting while Minhyuk sings ‘My Heart will Go On’ at the top of his lung. It’s chaotic but Changkyun can’t imagine any other way to spend his birthday, surrounded by people who loves and cares about him.

He wonders if he can ever get another birthday like this. He won’t probably. He doesn’t have much days to see too, he can feel it. He can’t believe it but even the mundane days, he is gonna miss. He can’t help it when his mind wanders to those never-gonna-happen-times, which likely be filled with studying for the lessons in their tiny dorm room and if the weather is good, on the fresh green grasses, all his friends laying around, chatting happily and joking, teasing with each other while Changkyun just bask in the happiness he feel when they are around… when Kihyun is around. He wonders how Kihyun’s first recital will be like, he’s gonna amaze the whole audience for sure with his hair styled neatly and wearing a black suit, sitting in front of a piano, playing everyone’s story with his fingers dancing on the keys with a focused expression on his face. Changkyun wonders how will he look when he finish his piece and get up, bowing to audience, accepting all the cheering and compliments. Changkyun probably won’t see that moment. It’s a bitter thought. He wants to brush it all away and relish in the precious moment he is in with his friends now but then his lungs act up on their own and squeezes inside his chest so he coughs, trying to suppress it’s sound.

“Hey there birthday boy.” Kihyun sits down and knocks his shoulder to Changkyun’s with a smile. “Are you good?”

A few petals move.

“Hey—“ coughs Changkyun. “Hey hyung. Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” Kihyun asks again, his happy expression falls a little.

“I’m—I’m awesome! I think I just took a wrong sip I guess, my lungs are burning.” Changkyun clears his throat. He coughs a little more before he looks at the guy next to him. “Thank you for the surprise hyung. I was thinking we would just hang out but I’m showered with attention and love so I’m really happy.”

“If that’s how you feel then I’m glad it worked. You seem a little off lately, I wanted to cheer you up.”

Changkyun feels his cheeks getting warmer, absent-mindedly he touches them, feeling the cold of his hands.

“Must be stress of growing up.” He jokes, trying to press his urge to cough more.

Kihyun shrugs nonchalantly. “I never thought you as a kid.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Changkyun feels his chest tighten. It takes all that he has not to cough up an entire bud right then and there on the bed.

“Wanna get out of here? I don’t feel like having a duel with Hyungwon and piss him off more. He is already getting his ass kicked by Hyunwoo hyung.” Kihyun smiles, knocks their shoulders again.

“Should we go to the rooftop and look at the stars?” Changkyun suggests with huge eyes.

“The weather is cold though. Are you sure you are gonna be okay?” Kihyun asks quieter than normal, worried and Changkyun turns to him immediately, lifting the box next to him. “I have my gloves.”

Kihyun nods at him with a soft smile then.

They sneak out of the room but to be honest Changkyun doesn’t think any of their friends realize they are gone, all of them are too immersed in the game. They go to their rooms and grab jackets to keep them warm. Changkyun of course wears his gloves. They are soft like cotton and they fit Changkyun's hands perfectly. 

Ten minutes later, Changkyun and Kihyun are standing at the rooftop in silence, looking up at the bright stars. They twinkle and twinkle like they are blinking playfully at Changkyun. The night breeze is chilly but it’s not sharp and it’s quiet good for a January night.

“It’s pretty.” Kihyun breathes out and it comes out as white air.

“It’s always pretty nice spending time with you hyung.” Changkyun admits, refusing to make eye contact as his heart takes somersaults.

“You too Changkyun.” Kihyun replies. “Pretty.” He adds and then Changkyun takes a glance at him. Kihyun’s cheeks are tinted with pink due to cold air, his brown hair falls to his eyes, his grey jacket fits on him greatly. And more importantly he doesn’t look at stars, he looks at Changkyun.

Changkyun feels warm inside.

“Oh, I have another gift for you.” Kihyun says, pressing his hands on his pockets like he is searching for something.

“But I thought the gloves were my gift.” Changkyun says wriggling his hands to show them with a confused expression. He’s already too happy to get them but another gift? That’s totally unexpected. Today is full of surprises.

Kihyun shrugs playfully as the wind picks up his hair. “I wanted to give you one more thing.” He says and brings out his phone, does something and after a few heartbeats, Changkyun’s phone beeps.

“Check that.” Kihyun says shyly for some reason and Changkyun brings his phone out, looking at the audio file Kihyun sent him. He takes a glance at Kihyun before he presses on it and waits until a familiar melody starts to play, accompanied by the most beautiful voice Changkyun ever heard.

“I know it’s cheap but uh… I recorded myself playing and singing Autumn Leaves for you because you love it so much and you asked me to play for you… so… yeah.” Kihyun says, unwavering and nervous.

“You—“ Changkyun starts, words stuck in his mouth. He doesn’t know how to respond, he just blinks. He is unable to speak, can’t form any word because his chest feels so full. Full of love, full of longing, full of everything he can ever feel. His chest aches but not because he is sad, he’s just so happy.

“Why?” He asks and his chest tightens more when Kihyun replies. “Because I like you.”

“What?”

“I like you.” Kihyun repeats, the most gentle smile grace his lips. “I didn’t realize until a while ago. We’re friends since you’ve moved in the dorms and not a day goes by without me seeing you. You were always cute and I liked teasing you but I don’t know, something changed or maybe I realized I wasn’t seeing you as a friend anymore when you came to ask for me to play for you. When you said you want me to play Autumn Leaves just for you, I felt something move in me. I thought it was because I like the song a lot but it wasn’t just that it was because you were the one asking. Everytime you came to find me, ask me to play, I was more than happy. Spending some alone time with you… It was so nice. Two weeks ago Minhyuk said he saw you leaving the practice room and asked what we were doing so I told him and he wanted me to play for him too but… but I didn’t want to. That’s when it hit me that I wanted to play Autumn Leaves… only for you.” Kihyun looks at Changkyun with shy but honest expression that lays his heart in front of him to see.

“I wanted to talk with you next day but we had that little argument so I couldn’t and well… now I’m telling you so what… what do you think?” Kihyun shuffles on his feet with anticipation. 

Changkyun feels the tears pool in his eyes, the ache in his chest getting more and more stronger, it’s really unbearable.

“If you feel nothing, it’s okay Kyun. I just wanted you to know.” Kihyun assures him with a broken smile.

“You are braver than me.” Changkyun bitterly smiles, a tear slip down. Kihyun’s eyebrows are knit together in confusion.

“I like you too hyung.” Changkyun admits in whisper and his heart cracks when he sees the sigh of relief Kihyun gives. “I like you so much.” Changkyun manages to say as he makes a gesture towards his own chest, flapping it nervously and he sees Kihyun shake his head with a smile before a horrible cough fit throws itself in the middle of it.

“What— What’s going on?” Kihyun is taken aback with surprise, eyes going up and down on Changkyun’s face.

“Nothi—“ Changkyun starts but he can’t continue when an unexpected, more rough and strong cough decides to show up. He grabs the edge of the rooftop as he struggles to stop it. He can’t.

Changkyun should move, move and run away, find a place he can throw out everything inside him and come back to Kihyun afterwards. He could do that if he could move but Changkyun feels powerless, too out of his mind due to sharp pain in his chest. All he can do is falling to his knees after attempting to take a step, unable to hold himself up. He can feel something move inside him like a snake with needles, approaching a stick and climb up slowly, rubbing it’s body and wrapping around it tightly. It hurts so much and Changkyun thinks at some point, he screams but he doesn’t know, all he can hear is some white noise.

“Changkyun are you—are you okay?” Kihyun asks with a clear panic tangled in his voice.

Changkyun can’t answer, he just buckles forward, hands on the ground, he coughs up thorns and bloody petals and dead leaves, feeling the vines crawl up his throat and into his mouth. He won’t stop coughing. He can’t stop coughing.

“Oh my god, oh my god do what are these?” Kihyun freezes. “Do you… do you have Hanahaki—holy fuck Changkyun why didn’t you tell me-“

Changkyun’s coughs become bloodier, he can't stop coughing up crimson blossom after crimson blossom, seizing his entire body with shivers and twitches.

There are arms holding him from falling to the ground face flat completely, he acknowledges. His eyes brush pass Kihyun’s face. He can see the stress and shock on his handsome features. His beautiful brows are knitted together, lines formed on his forehead and his eyes are big, huge with panic, his face twisted with horror. They don’t… they don’t fit well with him. He should only smile, that… that looks good on him.

“Changkyun!” Kihyun tries to hold Changkyun’s head up, forces him to face him with red-rimmed eyes, gripping his cheeks with all of the force he can muster. “Changkyun listen to me. Listen my voice okay? I like you, I like you, I really like you, Changkyun, please listen, you don’t need to die from this I like you so much--“

 _“It’s okay.”_ Changkyun wants to say, he wants to say it’s okay and he is okay, everything is gonna be okay, Kihyun shouldn’t worry he should never worry and he has to be happy, he has to be only happy but he can’t speak with the petals closing his airway while demanding firmly to go out. All he can do is wheeze to breathe some air in.

Kihyun holds Changkyun’s forearms, arms, wrists, anywhere he can find, repeating the words he said a moment ago like it’s a chant meanwhile Changkyun coughs, his chest is convulsing with immense pain and blood drips from his mouth. Kihyun says something, he seems like he is asking some questions or maybe shouting his name but Changkyun can’t decipher anymore, his eyes are watery with tears caused by the horrible ache swirling in his body. At some point Kihyun holds his face with both his hands again, Changkyun can’t focus even though he wants to look at Kihyun’s eyes, blow away that panic in them like it’s a dandelion but he can’t when his inside contains needles, moving painfully each second. It’s not like touching a thorn of a delicate rose and prick his finger with a sudden but passing pain. It’s more like thousands of thorns push into his lungs at the same time, causing an enormous agony. Changkyun coughs, coughs and coughs.

Changkyun knows this is it. He’ll never get to talk with his parents again. He’s never gonna go burger dates with the gang. He’s not gonna stress over a project, he’s not gonna do anything. He’s never gonna hear Kihyun play Autumn Leaves. But still, he’s grateful because Kihyun is gonna be the last face he’ll ever see.

 _It’s not so bad_ , Changkyun thinks. It’s not so bad. After all he chose this. He knew what was going to happen yet he chose to walk on this path. And this path did lead him to Kihyun and maybe caused him to walk towards Changkyun because now Changkyun knows, Kihyun likes him back too. Even though it’s too late, he knows but it doesn’t matter because _Kihyun likes him_ and that’s more important than anything.

“I like you so much.” He manages to crack a smile one last time before he falls into Kihyun’s arms, unmoving and let the darkness engulfs him in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah my poor baby Changkyunie, I was serious when I said my heart hurt it really did ;;  
> Anyways tell me what you think? Did you like the chapter?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there^^  
> I hope you are doing well, please stay safe!!  
> Due to turn of events, I may add one or two chapters more I don't know yet.  
> Anyway this chapter is a bit sad so be prepared!!
> 
> Thank you for the kudos and comments!!!  
> Have fun~~

Kihyun can’t exactly remember how or when he called for the gang. Maybe they heard him yelling and run up to the roof or in the midst of his panic, he managed to grab the phone and dial one of their numbers. He doesn’t know what happened but within seconds there are sounds coming from the stairs and people run to him.

“Holy shit!” Someone curses.

“Oh my god Kyunnie!!” Another one says.

“Oh god what’s all this blood and petals? Wait is this---“

“What happened?” Someone kneels next to Kihyun. “Kihyun what happened?”

There's so much happened. So much Kihyun can tell but he can't. He can't mutter any words.

 _‘I don’t know. He doesn’t wake up.’_ He only thinks.

“He doesn’t seem like he hears you hyung. What are we gonna do?” Someone asks with a panicked voice.

“Call an ambulance!”

Someone grabs Changkyun’s unmoving body.

“Kihyun. Kihyun let the kid go.” Kihyun hears and realizes that his fingers are locked in to the younger’s jacket.

“Kihyun snap out of it!” Someone, Hoseok, shakes his shoulders violently and then Kihyun blinks like he’s waking up from some horrible dream but when he sees Changkyun’s pale face with blood sliding from his chin, it feels like he wakes up to another nightmare. His heart starts to pound hurrily or maybe it was already pounding and Kihyun didn’t realize but the terror takes his body like air fills a balloon. He unclasps his fingers and lets Changkyun go, sits back on the cold ground, watching everything unfold in front of his eyes.

“The ambulance will be here but let’s not wait for them to come up. It may be too late.” Minhyuk says hurrily and with that, Hyunwoo grabs Changkyun in his arms like he is some kind of a paper doll and heads to downstairs.

“Hyung.” Jooheon shakes Kihyun’s shoulders and brings him up to his feet. “Hyung let’s go.”

After that, Kihyun doesn’t remember much. They put Changkyun into an ambulance, Hyunwoo and Minhyuk go with him, the rest of the gang takes a taxi. They arrive to some hospital after several minutes. Nurses and doctors grab Changkyun to take him away somewhere, leaving the gang behind and Kihyun just watch them. He feels like he's in theater, Changkyun and his friends and doctors are playing one of Minhyuk's scenarios because it feels like a lie. All of this feels surreal. Even when he sits on some chair and waits for an unknown time.

Kihyun hates hospitals. There is too much loss in them, too much death, too many tears, too many ghosts that weren’t supposed to leave this world just yet, floating around idly and haunting the florescent corridors with their presence. They remind him of all the loss he had and all the loss he can have in his life.

He is not ready to lose Changkyun. Kihyun can’t lose Changkyun.

Nothing will be the same if he’s gone. It can’t happen.

Kihyun feels like he can’t keep up with what’s going on. He knows where he is, he knows what happened but his mind keeps replaying the moment Changkyun started to throw up bloody petals and fell down like a puppet whose string cut loose.

“Kihyun… what happened up there?” Hyunwoo sits next to him, Kihyun barely acknowledges him. He thinks about answering but it feels like his lips sealed together as if they are two glued papers. “Kihyun what happened?” Hyunwoo asks again patiently, his voice carries nothing.

That’s an aspect of Hyunwoo that Kihyun really appreciates. Whatever happens he keeps himself checked and doesn’t panic. Or he panics but doesn’t show it.

Kihyun is not like that. He feels cornered like a wounded animal right now, he feels helpless and he wants to curl in himself, protect himself from feeling everything he is feeling at the moment.

Hyunwoo grabs his shoulders when he stays silent for a while and that grounds him a little. “What happened?”

“I… I don’t know.” Kihyun stutters. His teeth are clashing to each other he realizes, he’s trembling. “I don’t know.” He repeats, squeezing the black gloves in his hand tightly. _It’s all because of me._

“Minhyuk hyung is back.”

“What did the doctor say?” Jooheon gets up, looking at Minhyuk who walks into the waiting area, Kihyun lifts his eyes to his friend. He didn’t realize Minhyuk wasn’t there with them. Then he looks around and sees Hoseok is sitting next to Hyungwon on the left, Hyunwoo is next to him and Jooheon is up by the door.

“They are gonna do something with the branches.” Minhyuk replies.

“Did they say anything about his condition?” Hyungwon asks with a concerned expression. His usual doll face is painted with fear.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Minhyuk sighs. “I know this doctor, she cured my brother so I have fate in her. That’s all I can say. We will see after the operation.” He slumps on the chair across Kihyun and Jooheon sits next to him with a pained expression.

“How the hell we didn’t realize that he had hanahaki? How?” Jooheon looks at his hands, his voice is trembling. “I can’t believe we were so fucking clueless. I can’t believe I was so fucking clueless!”

“We couldn’t guess Joo.” Hoseok replies with a broken voice, as he pats Hyungwon’s shoulder softly to calm him down.

“I’m supposed to be his best friend. I live with the kid, I should have known hyung. I should have known when he rejected roasted chicken, that’s his favorite hyung. Kyun never says no to roasted chicken even when he is full. That was supposed to be a red flag! I should have known when I woke up and found him looking at the ceiling with sleep derived red eyes. I should have suspected something when he kept going to the bathroom every hour. I was thinking he was just drinking too much coke and that’s it.” Jooheon sighs in frustration. “I should have picked up at somewhere.”

Minhyuk caresses his back softly. “Don’t blame yourself Joo.”

“It’s because of me.” Kihyun murmurs suddenly. His eyes start to sting very bad. “It’s because of me. If I knew—“

“No Kihyun stop that.” Minhyuk objects. “I’ve tried to convince him to talk to you but he didn’t listen. He told me that he wasn’t a kid. And that’s right. He knew what he was doing and he was the one who chose not to tell you anything, it’s not your fault.”

Kihyun blinks a few times, trying to process what the other one said. “You knew?”

Minhyuk nods slowly then, realizing what he slipped out of his mouth.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Hyungwon asks, his eyebrows are pulled together.

Minhyuk casts his eyes down to ground guiltily. “It wasn’t my place to say. He preferred it this way.”

Kihyun shakes his head, feeling anger bubbling inside his ribs. “You knew and you didn’t say anything?” He says with a raised voice. He gets up from his place, looking at Minhyuk angrily.

“Hey, stop this. It’s not the place.” Hyunwoo grabs his elbow instantly.

“He knew it hyung! He knew it!” Kihyun turns to Hyunwoo, freeing his arm in the process. “We could… we could stop this!”

“How?” Minhyuk asks, now he is up too. “How could we stopped this Kihyun? You—You never--” He says but bites his lips like he is trying to hold himself from saying it. Kihyun understands.

“I did!” Kihyun replies with an aching heart. “I told him and it didn’t work.”

“What do you mean? You told him? What?”

“I told him I liked him.” Kihyun repeats again in a smaller voice, words sting so much when he mutters them. He wraps his hands around his torso like that’ll help somehow. “I told him I liked him but he just… he threw up bunch of bloody stuff and… and he fell down.” He says voice trailing off. “It didn’t _work_.”

“Kihyun…” Minhyuk shakes his head, the anger in his expression slowly changes into an understanding. “You know why it didn’t work. You liked him maybe but you didn’t love him. At least not enough to stop this.”

“You don’t know that! You don't know what I--" Kihyun trembles. "You could have told me!” When Minhyuk simply stands there, looking at him sadly, Kihyun sighs explosively. “Changkyun didn’t have to suffer like this. If only I knew--” He blows a sharp breathe. It feels so wrong, he is wronged. If he knew about this before he could talk to Changkyun, he could prevent it turning this serious. Changkyun wouldn’t be suffering then. And Kihyun wouldn’t be feeling this guilty. It’s all his fault.

“It’s not your fault.” Hoseok says with an agonized but strong voice. “Do you hear me? It’s not your fault.” He gets up, walking to Kihyun.

Kihyun pulls at his hair, bites too hard on his lip. “Why didn’t I tell him sooner? I could have saved him, he wouldn’t have suffered for so long just because I was too scared-“

“Slow down, Kihyun.” Hoseok rubs circles into his back, slow and rhythmic. “This isn’t your fault. If any of us had known that Changkyun was going through this….we all would have stepped in and do something.” His eyes glance to Minhyuk. “But Minhyuk is right. Changkyun is not a kid, he knew what he was doing. It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.” Hoseok says with a firm nod, throwing him a meaningful look.

“I know.” Kihyun’s teeth grit in frustration. “I know that, but I just... I just…”

“Okay, this won’t work. Let’s get some air.” Hoseok says and grabs his hand, pulling him out of the waiting room. He takes Kihyun to backyard of the hospital, somewhere quiet and pulls him down on a bench.

Kihyun can feel the frustration in him build up, his eyes hurt a lot. He bites his lips, looking down to the gloves in his hands before he decides to tuck them in his pocket. They will be safe there until he can give them back to Changkyun. His heart aches when he remembers how happy younger seemed when he saw the gift. Kihyun thought a lot about what to give him and came up with this idea, gifting him something they both like. It was a perfect plan in his sense, giving Kyun the gift and then confess. He wanted to make it perfectly but he had no idea that everything was gonna turn out like this. If he knew, he would do something. Anything to stop this. He feels awful. He is angry at Minhyuk, he is angry at Changkyun, he is angry at everything but most of all he is angry at himself.

Kihyun sighs, brushing his hair back with his hands.

“Are you feeling better?”

Kihyun humms absentmindedly. The bench is cold, the weather is cold but it doesn’t matter. It dulls Kihyun’s senses after all. Still, he leans in when Hoseok pulls him for some warmth.

“You know you shouldn’t be judging Changkyun’s decisions when you’ve done the same thing right?” Hoseok says, his words hold no malice but Kihyun still feels them sting.

“Did yours go away?”

“Yeah. I could feel it withering right when he told me he loved me. I’m okay now.” Kihyun replies with a pained voice.

“Good.” Hoseok humms to himself. “That’s good. I’m glad I walked in on you coughing petals last week. I’m glad we caught yours early. I don’t know how I would have handled it if we hadn’t gotten to you in time.“

Kihyun humms, slowly opening his eyes, looking at the pale moon above.

“I don’t understand.” Kihyun licks his lips thoughtfully, eyebrows beginning to crease. “I told Changkyun how I felt, when it was happening. I told him. Why didn’t the flowers immediately die out? Why didn’t he… stop hurting? Was Minhyuk right? I didn’t love him enough?”

The arm over his shoulder stiffens. Kihyun tilts his head and sees Hoseok unusually somber, bordering on hopeless.

“That’s bullshit Kihyun you know that, you liked him a lot to throw up petals for him. And for the other question… From what I researched about the disease, the flowers only die if the love is known to be reciprocated.” Hoseok pauses and looks down, eyes rimming red. “I think Changkyun didn’t believe you. You know how he is….he tries so hard to seem strong, but deep down he doesn’t have any faith in himself. He didn’t think he was good enough for you, and that’s why he didn’t believe you when you told him everything you did.” Hoseok swallows hard. “I don’t think he ever thought he had a chance with you.”

Kihyun can feel his heart shatter in two.

He takes a shuddering breath then and cries hard into Hoseok’s sleeve, finally allowing himself to sob.

He prays to every god he knows that Changkyun will come out of this ok. More than anyone, Changkyun deserves this. He deserves the world.

<-.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.->

After waiting for hours, Kihyun jumps up when he hears a doctor appears carrying a clipboard, scanning the room for a familiar face say, “Mr. Im Changkyun’s companions?”

Kihyun rushes towards the lady in the white coat, feeling his heart thump with adrenaline. “I’m- We- me – is Changkyun – is he gonna be—“

A grip on his shoulder stops him from jumping the doctor. “Hi. We’re with Im Changkyun. Do you have an update on his condition?” Hyunwoo asks.

The doctor nods and gestures towards the door, urging them to go somewhere more private. They wean down the white corridors, overhearing the idle gossip of nurses and overworked doctors, making occasional turns until they approach a small office, where the doctor motions for them to come in.

“I hope you all are well,” The doctor starts, sitting down in a blush leather chair as she folds her hands together.

“As fine as we can be, considering,” Minhyuk laughs hollowly, eyes on the doctor who sit down. “But please, tell us. Is Changkyun okay?”

The doctor frowns, her-hawing as she scans the clipboard, and Kihyun’s heart sinks. “The disease was lethal by the time we got to him. I’m surprised he’s still breathing right now. He’s alive, but struggling. We cut down the branches but the thorns punctured one of his lungs and collapsed it. We can fix it, but still he’s going to struggle with breathing for the rest of his life. And the sickness is so severe so his memories… ” The doctor frowns harder, looking up from her clipboard. “We will see how it’s gonna be after the surgery if you decide that he should have.”

Kihyun feels numb, blood slowing in his veins, eyes wide as he stares at the doctor. “He may not remember-“ _me?_ He surges forward with grit teeth, eyes threatening to spill over. “You’re saying- what you are saying—how-“

“I understand, how you must feel but it’s more important for him to be alive.“ The doctor replies. “At this point removal of roots is the only solution we have. It may also results in removal of the positive feelings toward the respective individual. We don’t know the chances of him remembering his memories with the person he crushed on but there is a high possibility of him forgetting about that person. Still, if he doesn’t get the surgery then he will die soon and we are getting closer to it even just sitting here talking so—“

Kihyun looks down then, hot tears spilling down, he nods slowly. “Do the operation.”

The doctor stops, all eyes in the room now on Kihyun. “What was that?”

“Get him the damn surgery.” Kihyun is fisting his hands so hard, his knuckles blistering white. “I don’t care. I’ll pay for it. Fuck, just do it-“

“Kihyun, think about this.” Hoseok leans down with a harsh whisper, deep lines drawn across his forehead. “You don’t have the money for this. We didn’t tell his parents. We can’t make this decision-“

“He needs it, hyung.” Kihyun grits out.

“I’ll pay, you know I can afford it.” Hyungwon speaks up, looking at his friends with a firm nod before he turns to doctor. “I will pay so don’t worry about this.”

“There is no time to call and explain all this to his family, we should act immediately.” Minhyuk supports, looking at doctor with pleading eyes.

Kihyun turns to doctor, determined as ever. “Get him the surgery as soon as possible.”

<-.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸¸.->

When Changkyun wakes up, he’s surrounded by overwhelming white light. His body feels thinner, lighter, like he’s floating away into the sky. Normally he would just sink back into the sleep but something inside him tells that he shouldn’t do that so without wanting it, he peels his eyes open forcefully.

A hand slips on his forehead immediately.

“Hey.” Minhyuk whispers.

“Hey hyung.” Changkyun replies smiling. He smells too much chloroform, he can’t be in his dorm room. “Am I in a hospital?”

“Yeah Kyun.”

“What happened?”

“You just sleep like a bear, that’s what happened.” A small, lighthearted chuckle pleases Changkyun’s ear. As his vision readjusts, he can see Jooheon more clearly, soft and bright yet full of worry lines and dark eyes.

“Feels nice. I like sleeping.” Changkyun clicks his tongue, sinking farther back into the hospital bed’s pillow, and Jooheon reaches over to brush his bangs out of his face.

“Of course you do. Get all the sleep you can. You’ll need it.” Hyunwoo smiles from the end of the bed.

“What do you remember?” Minhyuk asks, eyes round with curiosity.

“I-“ Changkyun starts but trails off. He can’t remember what happened, his mind is scattered around, there is an emptiness inside his memories. He feels like there is something he should be remembering, it’s at the tip of his tongue but his mind is foggy to reach out and grasp. “I don’t remember much.” He replies in the end honestly.

Minhyuk nods softly. “It’s okay. Don’t try too hard.”

“What happened hyung?” Changkyun questions again, closing his eyes. His head bangs hard to his skull.

“You had a small car accident so we took you to the hospital. You hit your head. It’s nothing important don’t worry. If it was important Jooheon would be crying right now.” Hyunwoo replies.

Changkyun tries to let out a chuckle, lips feeling dry. If he had an accident it explains the pain he is feeling all over his body. He can move his toes and fingers so seems like it’s not something important like Hyunwoo said. Changkyun opens his eyes again to tease with Jooheon because he would definitely cry like Hyunwoo said but his eyes stuck on a figure by the door. A messy brown haired guy is looking at him, his eyes go wide when he sees Changkyun look back at him. His expression seems hesitant, afraid, it’s twisted with pain. It’s weird.

“Who is that?” Changkyun ask to Minhyuk, his eyebrows crease when he sees the guy flinch.

Minhyuk looks where he looks and turns to Changkyun with a sigh. “That’s uh…”

“I’m Kihyun.” The guy takes a few steps towards Changkyun. “I’m… I’m a friend.”

“Oh…” Changkyun blinks. He must be one of his friend’s friend. “I’m Changkyun.”

The handsome guy, Kihyun looks at him, his lips tremble before they form a smile. “Yeah.” He says. “I… I’ll be outside.” He adds and turns around, leaving the room.

Minhyuk throws a look behind the guy and turns to Changkyun. “You should get some rest.” He fixes the cover on Changkyun, tucking him in sloppily.

“Yeah I think so too.” Hoseok clears his throat. “We better go so you can take some rest but don’t worry, we won’t go far.” He adds with a smile and Changkyun nods, he barely keeps his eyes open anyway.

"We'll be outside the door." Hyungwon smiles.

“I’ll be here until you sleep.” Jooheon says, not letting anyone object, he pulls the chair next to bed.

Do hospital beds always feel so comfy or is it because Changkyun feels too exhausted it feels so comfy? He yawns as he asks, “What accident hyung?” after the others go outside.

Jooheon reaches out, brushing his hairs away softly. “We’ll talk about it later Kyun. Just… take some rest for now.” He throws a smile.

Changkyun humms, savoring the feeling of gentle fingertips against his scalp. “He looked sad.” He murmurs.

“Who?”

“That friend. Kihyun.” Changkyun replies, can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo plot twist!! or two plot twists?? I don't know lmao  
> what do you think^^  
> Tell me if you liked  
> Tell me if you hated


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooooo happy new year!!! even though it's three days late lmao  
> Welcome to the last chapter of Autumn Leaves!!!  
> I hope you will like the last chapter  
> thank you for kudos and comments  
> Thank you for the support I'm humbled honestly
> 
> anyways I won't talk long have a good time!!
> 
> sorry for the grammar errors if there's any

_“What are we gonna do now?”_

_“Pretend like we met for the first time.”_

_“Don’t you think that’s stupid? I’m sure he has a lot of messages and photos in his phone that includes you.”_

_“That’s… You might be right.”_

_“Of course I’m right. Why did you act like you’ve met him for the first time?”_

_“What did you expect me to do? I was surprised!”_

_“Not act stupid?”_

_“Minhyuk calm down. What did you expect him to do when Changkyun didn’t recognize him?”_

_“Something else. I don’t know.”_

_“Anyway Minhyuk, Hoseok there’s no use of arguing. Think about a solution. What are we gonna do now?”_

_“We can delete whatever data he has on his phone and laptop?”_

_“Hyungwon hyung that would be too cruel. We don’t know what he has inside them. There could be things he has about his family.”_

_“Jooheon is right. It’s like deleting his history and besides even if we try, we can’t erase everything about Kihyun. Don’t you know even in movies they forget some little detail all the time and everything blow up to their faces? Someone may come up to him and ask about something related to Kihyun or he can see pictures on instagram. I don’t know, at some point he’ll figure it out. We can’t prevent it from happen.”_

_“Hyunwoo has a point.”_

_“What do you suggest then Hoseok hyung?”_

_“We can say that you didn’t want to confuse him when he didn’t recognize you. And you feel guilty because you were there with him during the accident so you acted out of guilt?”_

_“That wouldn’t be a lie.”_

_“Kihyun it wasn’t your fault, stop it we’ve talked about this.”_

_“I’m not sure.”_

_“Dude stop it. So we do it as you say. Let’s think about it.”_

Kihyun thinks about the silly plan he made together with his friends while sitting on Hyunwoo’s bed and blowing countless balloons. Changkyun is getting out of the hospital after three weeks. Hyunwoo and Jooheon went to pick him up and rest of the gang is preparing a welcoming party for the younger while Kihyun feels too nervous to do anything. Hyungwon is arranging cake, plates and drinks. Minhyuk and Hoseok are hanging up decorations. Kihyun is currently trying to tie up a purple balloon. He’s really suck at these kind of things but Minhyuk realized how edgy he’s and gave him the balloon task much to his dismay. He probably thought that maybe taking breathe in and giving it out will help Kihyun calm his nerves. It doesn’t help. How can it?

Changkyun is coming back.

When he was in hospital, Kihyun didn’t visited him again even though his friends told Changkyun the thing they planned, the fact that he knows Kihyun but he doesn’t remember him due to crash. Their little scheme seemed to worked, based on what Jooheon said Changkyun didn’t question it much. Perhaps because they thought the scenario very through. Kihyun tried to prepare himself for today but looking at how his hands are freezing due to anxiety, he obviously failed. Even that day when Changkyun looked at him with indifferent eyes, Kihyun felt like broken glass pieces dived in his heart deeply. He has no idea what is gonna happen when he sees him in a few minutes.

“Are you okay?” Hoseok slops next to him, grabbing a balloon and pulls him from his emotion whirlwind. Older one deliberately stares Kihyun which it’s something he’s been doing for three weeks so Kihyun is used to it by now.

“I’m okay.” Kihyun replies as always, tying the pink balloon in his hands.

“No cough no flower petal?”Hoseok questions.

Kihyun sighs, shaking his head. Hoseok probably scares that Kihyun’s petals will comeback now that Changkyun… is not his Changkyun anymore. They’re gone since he confessed to Changkyun and they didn’t come back again. At least Kihyun doesn’t feel their presence. He feels a hurt in his chest though but it’s not because of any flowers. Sometimes Kihyun finds himself thinking that he’d rather feel deadly wines growing around his lungs so he can place his awful pain on them. But unfortunately, there’s nothing.

“They’re here.” Minhyuk says, checking from the window.

Kihyun panics, his heart starts to race. “I didn’t finish these.” He looks down the balloons scattered on his lap.

“It doesn’t matter, Hosoek hyung did it enough. Come on get up.” Minhyuk pulls him to his feet.“Wanna hold the cake?”

Kihyun shakes his head dismissively. “It would be better if Hyungwon holds it.” He says and tall one nods, grabbing the cake.

Kihyun remembers that night they celebrated Changkyun’s birthday while waiting for him to come. He was so excited, he was going to confess Changkyun finally and ask him out. How bitter for things to turned out like this. Now Kihyun is waiting for Changkyun to come from hospital and look at him like he is gonna recognize him from somewhere but he won’t or maybe not look at him at all.

It’s heart wrenching to think.

“Hey hey, come on. Cheer up guys.” Minhyuk chirps and opens the door when they hear a footsteps coming, screaming happily to startle the young one.

“What’s going on?” Changkyun asks with a confused smile on his face.

“It’s a welcome-back-from-hospital party for our little wolfie!” Minhyuk says happily and grabs Changkyun’s hand, pulling him in.

Changkyun stumbles when Minhyuk pulls him all of a sudden. Kihyun reacts, ready to grab his arm but stops when he sees Hyunwoo hold him steady.

“Be gentle Min.” Hyunwoo warns him and Minhyuk throws a sorry look for a brief second.

“It’s okay hyung.” Changkyun shakes his head, looking around with an amazed expression. “Aww you even put up decorations. You did so much. Thank you hyungs.” He says, looking at his hyungs with a grateful expression.

“Anything for you.” Hoseok replies with a smiley face and pushes Hyungwon forward. “Come on blow up the candles.”

Changkyun smiles, looks at his friends one by one happily after blowing out the candles. His passing by gaze hurts Kihyun a lot.

Hoseok pulls Changkyun to place him on Minhyuk’s bed. Hyunwoo cuts pieces from the cake and each of them grab a plate. Kihyun stays silent the whole time, stealing glances from the younger who seem like he didn’t even realize Kihyun is there. Kihyun takes a few bites from the cake while the rest of the gang talk. Jooheon whines that Hyunwoo beat him at some game, Minhyuk mentions a movie he watched the other day. Occasionally they try to pull Kihyun into conversation but since he doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t know what to do, Kihyun just nods to whatever they ask or give a few words as response.

As time ticks Kihyun starts too feel stuffy. He needs to go out so at some point, he sneaks outside when everybody is into their thing. He walks outside with a heavy heart, hoping to overcome this stupid restless feeling. He sighs, the chill air makes white steams out of his breath as he spots a bench to sit down. He gives out a sigh again, tilting his head up to look at the stars after slopping on it. The night sky is clear, stars are twinkling but Kihyun feels like a black hole, their energy don’t reach to him.

“Why did you sneak out?”

“What?” Kihyun snaps his head to the voice, startled.

Changkyun stands a few steps away from him, looking at the pianist curiously. “Why did you sneak out? You think nobody would notice?” He says, pulling the edge of his black coat around his shoulders.

“What are you doing outside?” Kihyun asks with an alarmed tone.

Changkyun looks at him before he gives a careless shrug. “I asked first.” He says and moves closer.

“You shouldn’t be out. You just checked out of the hospital and it’s cold so you can get—“

“I’m not a kid.” Changkyun says but almost falls when he sits down next to Kihyun.

“Watch out.” Kihyun says with a worried tone and takes off his coat immediately.

“You don’t need to.” Changkyun says but Kihyun drops his coat on Changkyun’s without giving him a reply and pulls him up by his shoulders.

“Come on, let’s go inside.” Kihyun says but Changkyun breaks his hold, slumping down on bench with a determined look.

“I wanna talk.”

“Okay but lets go inside first.” Kihyun says and sighs with a frustration when Changkyun shakes his head like a stubborn child.

“You’re acting careless.” Kihyun says, sitting next to Changkyun in defeat.

“Why do you care?” Changkyun says with a cold tone. Kihyun feels his guts tighten with hurt.

“Why did you run away?” Changkyun asks again. “I won’t get up until you talk to me.”

Stubborn always, Kihyun thinks as he rolls his eyes. He directs his gaze to the tree behind Changkyun. “I don’t know. I wanted to get away.”

Changkyun looks at him, pursing his lips. “Why are you feeling like you gotta run away?”

“Hmm?”

“Is it because you feel offended?”

Kihyun’s eyebrows are pulled together. “Offended? Why would I be offended?”

Changkyun looks at him, biting inside his cheek. “You’re mad at me for forgetting you, right?”

Kihyun looks at younger with his mouth hanging slightly open. “No.” He shakes his head. How can Changkyun thinks that Kihyun is mad at him? That’s the farthest thing from the truth. If Kihyun feels anything towards Changkyun, it’s sorry. For letting all these happen without even realizing anything.

“I’d be mad.” Changkyun cuts his thoughts. “I’d be mad if I was you. We’re friends but I forgot about you.”

“That’s not true. You would never do that.” Kihyun says, shaking his head slowly.

“You’re not mad so what’s the reason you keep running away from me?” Changkyun questions. “You’re supposed to be my friend but you didn’t come visit me not even once after that day. So something must have happened. What is it?”

“Nothing.” Kihyun replies weakly.

“Jooheon hyung said that you might be feeling guilty because you couldn’t manage to pull me away from the road in time but if you’re feeling guilty because of that let me tell you, it’s stupid.” Changkyun says and points himself. “If there’s anyone stupid, that’s me. Me stupid.”

Kihyun throws him a confused look. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m a grown up, I should have known how to walk on roads. Check left, check right and check left again. It’s that easy.” Changkyun purses his lips and a dry laugh escapes from Kihyun’s lips.

Changkyun’s lips tug upwards too. He looks at Kihyun and for a moment Kihyun thinks he sees the Changkyun he knew. But no, it’s not the same. Changkyun’s gaze is soft but it’s not like before. The emotions behind his eyes are now gone, there’s just a casual fondness people show to their friend. Kihyun doesn’t know if they’re still friends now but he can see the difference clearly now, and it really breaks his heart.

“So… I wanna ask some stuff to you and while we are finally alone, I think this is the perfect time.” Changkyun says, eyes not looking away from Kihyun and Kihyun feels the urge to run away because he has no will to sit down and prolong his pain. But he also knows he has no choice, because knowing how stubborn Changkyun is, it’ll be vain to try avoiding this so he stays silent except for a hum that lets the other one know it’s okay for him to do whatever he wants even though his heart is ready to give up any second.

Changkyun pulls out his phone from his pocket and does something until a familiar melody seeps into the cold air. Kihyun feels the blood in his vein freeze and run hot at the same time while his heart thumps louder and louder. Kihyun is sure if it wasn’t a silent night, his heartbeats would repress the sound of music.

_‘...Since you went away the days grow long_

_And soon I'll hear old winter's song….’_

Changkyun locks and puts his phone in his pocket. “I was looking through my phone back at the hospital and found this audio. It’s sent by you and you’re majoring at piano so I’m guessing you’re the one playing and…”

“…singing yeah.” Kihyun admits, trying to swallow the hurt in his throat but it’s hard to do that while his heart is currently crushing his lungs.

“I’ve been listening to it ever since.” Changkyun says and when Kihyun looks at him with a perplexed expression he shrugs, “It helps me sleep. It’s calm and I don’t know something in your voice is so… comforting? Yeah that’s the word. You have a very nice voice by the way. You should consider doing a second major at vocal performance.”

“Thank you.” Kihyun manages to say as calm as he can, fearing that his heart is too loud and Changkyun is gonna pick it up soon. “It was a birthday gift.” He adds when the other one keeps staring at him.

“I see.” The younger one says eventually and wraps his arms around himself. “You’re creating such a sweet birthday gift but you acted like we didn’t know each other before.” He looks at Kihyun while Kihyun grabs the edge of the bench to hide his tremble.

“Why did you act like we met for the first time when I woke up? You could say that we knew each other before.” Changkyun questions.

Kihyun looks at the younger for a split second before he looks away, surprised and not sure how to respond. For three weeks they were never alone so Kihyun never had to talk with Changkyun directly like this but now he feels like he can’t get away. And when there isn’t a Minhyuk who will interrupt and save him from this misery, Kihyun feels really lost.

“Not to confuse you I guess.” Kihyun replies eventually, messing his black hair to calm himself. “You didn’t recognize me that day, you were awake for only a few minutes and anything could mess up your brain. It seemed reasonable to act like that for the time being. And our friends explained it to you later.” He says as calmly as he can. He remembers the practices they did with the group if this matter ever comes to surface or Changkyun asks anything about it. He should just stay calm and tell what they planned to tell.

“Why weren’t you there?” Changkyun tilts his head. “When they explained me about your lie.”

Kihyun gazes at him. “I had… things to do.”

“Isn’t it weird for me to remember everyone but you?” Changkyun asks with a curious expression.

Kihyun throws a look at him cautiously, “It’s because of the accident… Yes, the accident. I was with you at the moment so I guess that’s why you only forgot me. You know what they say, people forgets about painful things.” He replies because that seems the most believable explanation.

“So you’re saying that you were painful to me?” Changkyun lifts his eyebrows.

“No?” Kihyun replies dryly even though it’s a completely lie. He was painful for Changkyun. That’s why all these happened.

“But I only forgot about you?” Changkyun narrows his eyes.

Kihyun clears his throat. “I guess? I don’t know.”

Changkyun keeps staring at him with narrowed eyes. “You’re guessing a lot. Do you always guess like this or do you do it because you’re hiding something?” He asks in a demanding way. Kihyun can see the determination of getting an answer painted all over his face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The elder looks away.

“How did it happen? I asked about it but _I guess_ nobody knows what happened that night. Not exactly.” Changkyun asks, tilting his head curiously.

Remembering that night is one of the last things Kihyun wanna do but he can’t forget about it and he can’t brush away the picture of Changkyun’s unmoving body laying between his arms, covered in petals and blood.

Kihyun shivers. “An accident.” He replies. “Like what they told you.”

“What kind of accident?” Changkyun insists.

“Aren’t you cold? We can talk about this later.” Kihyun says, hoping Changkyun agree but Changkyun being Changkyun, he shakes his head firmly.

Kihyun looks at him before letting out a sigh. “Well... We celebrated your birthday and it was stuffy in the room because Hyungwon and Hoseok were playing game very loudly so we decided to go up to—I mean outside to take a walk.”

“In that cold weather?” Changkyun lifts an eyebrow.

“It wasn’t that cold.”

“I see.” Changkyun nods. “And?”

Kihyun looks down to his hands. “We were talking about sky and stuff before you uh… a car came out of nowhere. I was late.” He finishes, hoping the explanation is enough for Changkyun. He doesn’t know how much he should tell but it’s obvious that he shouldn’t detail it much. Because when a lie gets long, everything mix up so less is better.

The younger hums and looks away after a few seconds. Kihyun can see he is thinking. Changkyun slightly purses his lips and that line which pops up whenever he’s deep in thoughts show itself on his pretty forehead. Kihyun almost hears the wheels in his mind twirl and roll. He must be trying to search pieces in his mind to back up Kihyun’s story. How sad that he will not be able to find them no matter how hard he tries. Doctor said that when patients forget anything related to the person they crush on as a side effect of the surgery, those memories are impossible to be brought back. Kihyun didn’t mind even though it hurts, all he needed was Changkyun to be okay and he is okay, thankfully.

Changkyun crosses his hands on his chest with a teasing look on his face. Kihyun can’t understand why he looks at the elder like he’s caught lying until Changkyun says, “And was that accident before or after I threw up petals?”

“What?” Kihyun snaps his head to younger in shock. “What are you talking about? Who told—“

“I heard it when nurses were talking so please don’t try to deny.” Changkyun says with a stinging tone.

“Nurses?”

“I didn’t understand it first but when they mentioned my name… well imagine my surprise. Apparently hanahaki going this lethal is not something common so I was a rare case for them. A topic to talk about.” Changkyun replies, his intense gaze pierce through Kihyun’s eyes. “Even if I didn’t hear from them, I’d definetely pick up clues from my search history.”

Kihyun looks at him dumbfounded. He sees his hands shake visibly now so he clasps them together to stop them trembling. “Changkyun—Changkyun I—“

“Why did you lie?” Changkyun asks directly. “Why did you guys lie and made up an ‘accident’?”

Kihyun gapes, his mind tries to find explanations. “What did you want us to say? You were dying because you were hopelessly in love with someone?”

“It’s you right?” Changkyun asks with a pressuring voice. “I know it’s you.”

Kihyun can’t look at the younger, his chest is too warm in a bad way.

“Was it really an ‘accident’ to you? The reason you said we didn’t know each other was because you didn’t like me back and didn’t want to deal with me afterwards?”

“No, I—“ Kihyun starts but he chokes up.

“I almost died because of you. Look at that.” Changkyun looks at him with heavy eyes. “It’s okay though it doesn’t matter. You didn’t know it back then I guess. After all hanahaki is something that comes out of one-sided crush. Falling in love with someone who didn’t love me back was stupid. That was my own problem.“

Kihyun shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that.”

“If you feel burdened because of that, you don’t have to. If you don’t wanna see me I get that too so—“

“I said I liked you.” Kihyun interrupts him. He feels his heart is gonna bursts. “That day I said I liked you, I said it first. I said it before I had no idea about your feelings. You didn’t say anything.”

“What?” Changkyun startles, his eyebrows crash together immediately.

Kihyun takes a shaky breathe, the tears are pricking his eyes. “I didn’t know how you felt. I confessed you that day but I was late and it didn’t work.”

The younger seems like somebody slapped him hard. The expression on his face is something Kihyun never saw before. “You didn’t expect this twist I guess?” Kihyun cracks a pained smile.

“No.” Changkyun replies after taking a few breaths, looking down to ground. He gazes up to Kihyun again. “Are you serious? You’re not mocking with me or anything?”

“I’m serious. You can ask the gang if you want.” Kihyun replies.

Changkyun stares at him. “When I put two and two together I assumed everything went bad because you were indifferent towards me and when I saw how you behaved for the pass three weeks I thought—“

“I was trying to spare you.” Kihyun says.

“Spare me from what?”

“My feelings.” Kihyun replies in whisper. “They didn’t change but yours did. Yours did and I can’t expect anything from you anymore.”

“I… I’m sorry.” Changkyun replies, his head hanging low. He seems embarrassed, his pretty cheeks are blushed pink.

“It’s not your fault, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” Kihyun shakes his head.

“Still…” Changkyun says, looking at distance.

Neither of them say anything for a while. Changkyun probably tries to process everything he learned and Kihyun feels dull, his heart is hurting too much but his face refuses to make a single expression.

“I need time… time to understand these.” Changkyun breaks the silence.

Kihyun looks at him, clasping his hands together. “Of course. You can take all the time you need. I won’t be in your way.”

“No.” Changkyun shakes his head even though his expression seems confused.

“What do you mean?” Kihyun throws him a look.

“I don’t want you to feel burdened because of me. We can… we can start over?”

“Start over with what?”

“Us. We can start something new. You said that you still feel same about me and even if I forgot about you, I’m still me and if I loved you and considered dying to protect that love… I want to know. I want to know you. We can start as friends and then… We’ll see.” Changkyun says, his eyes flicker to Kihyun. “If it’s okay with you.”

Kihyun feels loss at words. And he really can’t focus right now. He feels terrible, because when he finally forces his eyes to focus, dammit he sees that Chankyun’s eyes are red and kind of wet and he never wants to make him cry ever.

“Okay.” Kihyun replies and feels the knot in his stomach unfold when he sees Changkyun’s expression relaxes. “Okay, let’s start over.”

“Okay.” Changkyun replies, smiling and Kihyun offers a smile too, hopeful and genuine.

“We should go back, you’re gonna get sick.” Kihyun says when he sees Changkyun trembles slightly. Changkyun agrees, it’s obvious that he’s cold.

“Will you play that song to me?” Changkyun asks after they get up. “I wanna hear it myself directly.”

Kihyun looks at him, something inside him turns. He nods slightly. “Yeah I will.” He says.

And he will. Kihyun is gonna play that song whenever Changkyun wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow what a journey....  
> thank you for going through this with me  
> I hope you liked the story  
> tell me what do you think about it please
> 
> please stay safe and healthy and happy  
> let's meet at other stories^^

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked the story  
> Let me know if you do!!
> 
> I will update the other stories in the upcoming days I have this schedule planned out so see you later^^


End file.
